Ho Ho Ho Video!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

It's about 3:00 a.m.  This week, I am at the Loony Bin Comedy Club in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

I can't sleep, so I decided to post a video of my brother Andy on Youtube.  This video, "Ho Ho Ho," shows Andy back in 1986, when he was almost 2.

Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because of the "Ho Ho Ho" video:

1. It's pretty silly/ cutesy.
This video depicts my brother back when he was still developing his brain. For some reason, when adults fail to complete simple tasks, other adults yell at them, call them stupid, say mean things.  There is no leniency. When a kid does it though, we just laugh and call it cute.  Kids bring out our kinder qualities like patience, understanding, innocence, and levity.  I am thankful for that!

These days, with all the finger pointing, hostility, escalation, we could use some benign, silly, cheesy, cutesy stuff too.  This video won't blow your mind, but it's nice; it's just nice.  I'm thankful for that!

2. It's cool to see how big things come from small beginnings.
My little brother Andy is really smart and he works hard.  He is an Eagle Scout. He is an accountant- a fun, creative accountant.  I am proud of him.  It's cool to see how much smarter he has become since he was almost 2!  I am especially thankful for that! Can you imagine if he was an adult with a 2-year-old's brain?  Actually, I have seen that before.  Moving on...

3. I like seeing the awful styles from the 1980s!
My mom's mom jeans, my sisters' mullets, my bowl cut, and Andy's bright red overalls are pretty sweet if you ask me!  Back in the day, nobody thought anything of our style!  I'm not saying we were fashionable trendsetters, but we didn't stand out either.  Everybody dressed weird in the 80s!  As a society, we all just decided to dress awfully.

Fortunately, everything people wear now is amazing. Nobody will ever look back and say we dressed stupidly in the 2010s!  I am so thankful for that!

This awesome vest will always remain in style.

Bye!  I'm Jake!

P.S. Here's a camo version of the same vest if you want to start dressing like me:

That Rubber Band!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

The RAM X-Grip mounted onto
my bike.

I have been cycling a lot lately. In the previous entries, I wrote about how I am thankful to have the RAM Mount X-Grip Universal Cell Phone Holder, mounts my Droid Thunderbolt smart phone onto my handle bars. The X-Grip allows me to view the trail map while I'm riding.

As much as I like the X-Grip, it has a big flaw: whenever I hit a nasty bump on the bike path,  there is a decent chance the spring-loaded X-Grip will let go of my cell phone.  This happened 3 times within the first week of using the X-Grip!  The first time the X-Grip dropped my phone, I didn't even realize what had happened.  I just heard something drop behind me.  Suddenly I realized my phone was gone so I turned around.  Imagine if I hadn't heard that dropping sound, though!  

My Otterbox-encased
Droid Thunderbolt
mounted on to my X-Grip.

The second time the X-Grip dropped my phone, I could see it hurdling through the dirt.  The third time it happened was about 10 minutes after the second time it happened.  There will not be a fourth time!

Fortunately, my phone is in an Otterbox, a protective case that prevented my phone from total annihilation. The sim card did slip out of its slot- so I couldn't make any phone calls till I took my phone apart and fixed it.

This rubberband that ensures my RAM X-Grip won't
drop my phone again!

I am thankful my Otterbox protected my phone from utter destruction. However,  this entry is not about the Otterbox. It's about my solution to the X-Grip's shortcomings: To keep my phone securely attached to the X-Grip, I have been using a rubber band.  That's right: I spent $50 on RAM's mounting system, but a two-penny rubber band is what keeps my Droid securely fastened to my bike!  

So, here are 3 Things I am Thankful For because of That Rubber Band!

1. First off, it keeps my Droid mounted to my bike!

Before I started using the rubber band to supplement my X-Grip, my Droid fell off my bike 3 times.  Since I started using the rubber band, it hasn't fallen off once.  

This week- since using the rubberband- a pedestrian ran out right in front of me and I had to swerve to avoid running over her.  I swerved off the path, hit a bunch of tree roots and the X-Grip almost dropped my phone again. Even with the rubberband, the phone almost came out.  It came half way out.  It would have come all the way out, but the rubberband held it in place. Without the rubberband, my Droid would have definitely dropped.

I am thankful my rubberband is more reliable than my X-Grip!

2. When I get off my bike, I can use the rubberband to shoot somebody.

If another lady cuts me off and forces me off the trail, I can stop the bike, put my phone in my back pack, then bike up behind her and shoot the rubberband at the back of her head, execution style.  

Then, I can pick the rubberband back up, reattach it and my phone to my X-Grip and merrily ride off into the sunset.

3. I can use a rubberband to hold just about anything in place!

If I shoot a lady with a rubberband, she might come after me. What if she lunges at me and I fall off my bike, down a hill, through the Farmer Jenkins's thorn patch, over the river, through the woods, through Grandma's house and into some more tree roots?  Owie!  If all that happens, a rubberband can hold gauze onto my tree root wounds!  Thanks, rubberband!

MapMyRide!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

Because of my big ol' Texas gut, you haven't heard from me for about a week.  See, I am tired of my gut so when I finally found a decent bike trail here in Austin, I started riding about an 60-90 minutes per day. It feels great!

To help monitor my exercise progress, I am using a GPS-based Droid app called MapMyRide.  It's pretty handy.  Here are #3ThingsIamThankfulFor because of MapMyRide!

1. MapMyRide Informs The Crap Out Of Me!

Back when I lived in Denver, I used to bike 30 miles per day, at least 3 times per week. I was really fit.  At my peak, I was biking around 15.5 miles per hour. 

I'd bike a lot faster if all you poky
chumps got out of the way!

When I started biking again about a week-and-a-half ago, I had no idea how fast I was going.  All I knew is that the only bike path I have found so far is also a pedestrian path.  It's cluttered with meandering pedestrians who walk slowly, with all their friends. They are chunky, trodding obstructions, who hog the whole width of the path. If the bike/pedestrian path is a urethra, they are the gall stone clogging up the works.  Regardless of how many times I call out "On your left!" they don't move out of the way till I just about run them over.  Get out of the way, jerks!  It's for your safety!

I almost got in 2 accidents on Friday!  Do you want me to run over you and your baby?  Get out of the way, dimples!

Because of all the pedestrians, I know I am not hitting my target speed of 15 miles per hour.  However, that's not very accurate information.  That's just a good guess based on fat people. MapMyRide tells me I am averaging about 13 miles per hour and my top speed was 30 miles per hour.  That 30 miles per hour must have been downhill!  

MapMyRide also tells me:

• How many how many total miles I've biked.
• How many minutes I have biked.
• How many calories I've burned, so I know how much ice cream I can eat. 
• What day it is.  That's important information!

I am thankful for the information.  It is way more accurate than my guesses and hopes.  Now, get out of the way, you mosying pedestrians!

2. MapMyRide shows me a map of my ride.

MapMyRide even displays a map of each ride.  It shows me exactly which route I took.

This is important because every time I ride, I vary my route slightly.  Combined with my speed statistics for each ride, eventually, I'll figure out which route I take allows me to go the fastest.  Another of way of saying that, I'll find out which path has the least meandering pedestrians. Hooray!  I'm thankful for that!

3. MapMyRide has an Auto Pause function.

The current routes I am using also go out into traffic a couple times. Traffic means I have to stop at red lights and/or stop for cars before I cross the road.  As soon as I stop moving, the Auto Pause function stops the clock.  Once I start moving again, it starts the clock again.  I am not really sure how that helps me, but I think I am thankful for that!

I Live In AUX, Not PDX

Hi!  I'm Jake!

As some of me may know, I live in Austin, Texas, not Portland, Oregon.  Both have artsy fartsy.  Both have food trucks.  Both claim to keep it weird.  Both are cool towns. However, according to my budget, I can only live in one place at a time.  Currently, that place is Austin.

Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because I Live In AUX, Not PDX:

1. AUX Has Authentic BBQ.
I really enjoyed the "I Like Thai" food truck I found when I worked in Portland a few weeks ago.  It was only $5 for a ton of food. The Thai iced tea was only another dollar.  I love Thai iced tea!  So delicious!

"053012 Oregon BBQ" by Jake Sharon

However, before I picked the "I Like Thai" food truck, I passed about 20 other food trucks, including an "authentic Texas BBQ" food truck.  Granted, I didn't give that truck a chance- that's because I'm not stupid!  I eat Texas bbq all the time.  I wouldn't say I'm a bbq connoisseur, but I have eaten "Texas brisket" in other states and I have been burned!  I went to 12 Bones in Asheville, North Carolina.  That place makes a mean plate of pork.  They know NC bbq as well as anybody.  Their corn pudding is more rewarding than having a sense of accomplishment.  Their jalapeno cheese grits will rock your world like a fat chick fight.  However, even though they rock NC bbq, they made me a plate of brisket that had the flavor and consistency of shoe leather.

My point is 12 Bones will rock your hippie flip flops off with their delectable North Carolina bbq.  It's the best!  Yet, these bbq masters failed making Texas brisket. They absolutely failed.  So, do you think for one second I'm dumb enough to let some weed smoking, hipster Oregonians sell me their version of Texas bbq?  Think again.  

I am smart enough to know that you don't order sushi in Texas.  That's not not their specialty.  You don't get gumbo in Maine.  You don't get soul food from Albuquerque.  You don't eat Mexican in Boston.  You don't buy maple syrup from a midget. You sure as shrimp don't order brisket in Portland!

In short, I ate at Rudy's BBQ 3 times in the past week. I have eaten over 2 pounds of meat and several cups of creamed corn- made with real cream!  I am thankful for that!

2. Blow Your Mind With Barrels, Not Pipes.
In Portland, they have amazing weed.  No one can deny that. There was a time when that was important to me. However, in Austin -and pretty much anywhere in Texas- we have amazing gun laws!  Smoking weed may have calmed me down, but going to the gun range for several hours and improving my accuracy gives me a sense of accomplishment.  That's almost as rewarding as 12 Bones' corn pudding!

Sure, weed may have helped inspire me to paint some great paintings, but I never felt accomplished by merely smoking weed.  By the end of the day at the gun range, I feel calm because:

• My breathing is more controlled, relaxed.
• With controlled stance, breathing, and self awareness, you get focus- something that doesn't come naturally to me.
• My groupings are tighter and I am hitting more bullseyes- so I have made measurable progress.
• Most importantly, after a day at the range, because of my improved ability, I feel more empowered to protect my lady.  She deserves that.  It makes me feel good, too.  

So, I just outlined 4 more things I'm thankful for within the 3 things I am thankful for today.  There is a lot of thankfulness going around!  The point is I am thankful I live in a state that encourages responsible gun use instead of tempting me with drug use.  By the way, they still have drugs here; they just aren't as good.  Just ask Portland about that!


3. There Is A Direct Flight That Goes Between Both Towns.
I really do love Austin. It's great!  My fiancee and I spent a bunch of time the past couple days looking for a job, a horse stable, and a gym so when she moves here we can both be really happy. All this exploring is showing us just how great Austin truly is.

However, I got to explore Portland a bunch when I worked at Harvey's Comedy Club a couple weeks ago.  I know it is a great town too.  Harvey's was fun. Voodoo Doughnuts was delicious! I Like Thai was incredible.  Southwest Airlines, also one of my favorites, has a direct flight between the 2 cities.  So, even though I live in Austin, I am only a few hours away from Portland.  I am really thankful for that!

I Am Not A Pigeon

Hi! I'm Jake!

Rivercenter Comedy Club, courtesy of Google Maps

Last week, I worked with Jim Short at Rivercenter Comedy Club in San Antonio, Texas.  Those 8 shows were a blast! Each show was better than the previous show.  The final show, the Sunday late show was amazing!  I'm thankful for that.

Rivercenter Comedy Club is located a couple blocks from the historical Alamo, right in the epicenter of San Antonio's tourist trap.  Tourists clog the streets.  Employees at local restaurants don't like the tourists, so they frown a lot. They joylessly take their time bringing out their chain restaurant food.

So, Jim, Callie (my fianceè), and I decided to walk as far away from downtown as our hungry stomachs could take us.  We sought out delicious, local, San Antonio cuisine.  We found it a mile from downtown, at a little restaurant called Taco Garage.

Now, Sunday was a hot muggy, day. We checked inside Taco Garage to see if it was any cooler than their outside.  Nope.  The slight, almost imperceptible breeze outside made outside dining somewhat more pleasant.  Sitting outside gave us a chance to people watch.  Turns out, it also gave us a chance to pigeon watch.

The restaurant which shall heretofore remain nameless, had several un-bussed tables.  Pigeons, enjoying the food scrap bounty each dirty table offered, fearlessly feasted- which indicates these tables are dirty on a regular basis. These fat pigeons eat there all the time.

In some ways, the pigeon antics were fun to watch.  These rats of the sky had difficulty eating full-sized tortillas, so they flopped them in the air like Italians with their pizza dough.  They were territorial, too; the pigeons fiercely wrestled baby birds- and even crows- for every morsel.

Honestly, if I was a pigeon, I'd fight somebody for that food too: Taco Garage makes extremely delicious, authentic Mexican food.  It is soooo good!  We knew it.  The pigeons knew it.  So they battled for food.  They chased the other birds.  They pecked.  They tortilla tossed.  We had food and a show!

However, I soon realized the price for our entertainment: bird poop adorned our table.  If the food wasn't so good, we would have left.  I ate my delicious, molè-slathered chicken enchiladas- hoping my tasty wouldn't have a digestive price.  Pigeon poo does not do my insides any favors.

Callie, Jim, and I left full, and lethargic.  Even though those fat pigeons had a great feast that day, I am still thankful I am not one of those devil-eyed sky rats.  So, here are 3 Things I Am Thankful for because I Am Not a Pigeon:

1. Pigeons have to scavenge for their food.
Pigeons can't cook eggs.  They can't grill a steak.  Pigeons can't order chicken enchiladas.  They have to wait for us humans to leave our dirty plates before they can eat.  If they try eating before we leave, they might get a punch to the face! That's right, next time you see a pigeon eating your food, punch it in the face!

That is one of the worst things about being a scavenger: your nutrition depends on old ladies and dirty restaurants.  Stupid bird bums! I'm thankful I don't have that problem!

2. Pigeons have weird eyeballs.
If you dress like the devil, you will fail any job interview- unless they are casting a devil.  It's the same thing with pigeons.  They can't get jobs.  That's because their eyes look like devil eyes. That is inappropriate for any non-devil job interview. Maybe that's why pigeons act like beggar homeless people all the time: they can't get jobs because of their devil eyes but then it's somehow my job to feed them?  Well, pigeons can go suck an egg if they I'm going to pay their rent!

Anyway, I'm glad I have a job- kind of. I am so thankful I don't have stupid pigeon devil eyes!


3. Pigeons can't type very well.
Again, pigeons!  If you can't learn a basic skill set like typing, you are going to be jobless.  Again, pigeons!  Again!  You contribute nothing to society! You're everybody's burden!  Why don't you go back to that restaurant job where you flip tortillas for tourist entertainment?! I'd be thankful for that!

I Do Not Have a Hump

Hi! I'm Jake!

I don't have a hump. There's no back story to this. I just don't have a hump. I'm really glad about that.

Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because I Do Not Have A Hump:

1. I don't have to wear a special sweater.

Hump people often have big heads too. I'm not saying they are overly egotistical- I mean, they are egotistical because they have more real estate for neck tattoos- but they also have physically bigger heads.  Humpback heads will stretch a sweater neck hole like a fat baby's birth.

I'm thankful I don't have the head or the hump to ruin my clothes.

2. I am not the go-to guy for piggy back rides.

052612 River Center's Rules Humpback,
by Jake Sharon

I used to work for a lady so big that her butt had a shelf. You could stand on it, take it for a ride! I pictured children gayly riding it around to all the barbecue joints.

Humpbacks have a similar kid seat on their neck. That torso cankle is a big enough platform to serve a four-course dinner!

People love a sweet piggy back ride like that. They ride it around like Hannibal on his elephants. It's fun for the passenger, but demoralizing for the Quasimodo. It's probably bad for their back, too! Their back is already bad- and now people want humpback pigback rides?

I'm thankful I don't have that problem. Now, if I could only get rid of this mustache, I wouldn't have to give any rides at all!

3. No hump sunburns.

A back hump is just an epidermal flat land. It would be a great place for a solar panel. However, when the sun is out, assuming there aren't any piggy back passengers, that area is exposed for the sun's scorn.

Imagine peeling off a humpback's plate-sized, post-sunburn skin peel! I don't have that problem and I am so thankful!

Susan Jones

Hi!  I'm Jake!

The past few weeks, I have had a blast on my Northwest tour.  Shows every night. Great crowds.  Headlining new rooms.  I'm ending this tour at one of my favorite club, Harvey's Comedy Club in Portland, Oregon.  Great town.  Great club.  I've been coming up to the Northwest for 2-3 years. Each time I work here, I get even better gigs than I had last time.  I love the Northwest!

One of the main reasons I do so well up here is several years ago, I did a contest in Colorado.  It was the first annual and last annual somethingorother Colorado comedy competition. I can't remember what that contest was called.  What I do remember is I briefly met comedian Susan Jones.  I had no idea how important that quick meeting was.  Susan has great advice.  She has helped open doors for me.

Susan is a killer comedian, on the verge of some really big things.  She's a great friend. She's helped me out a bunch. So here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because of Susan Jones:


1. Susan & Larry run a comedy bed & breakfast.
Most of the gigs put me up in a hotel or comedy condo. In the rare instance I have a night without a place to stay, my friends Susan, & her fiancee, Larry put me up on their couch or in their guest room.


It's a blast!  Besides Larry & Susan, there are always a ton of people in the house. Susan's nephew, cousin, & another nephew pretty much reside there.  Great people. There are always comedians at their place.  This time, Sam Demaris was in town. Killer comedian from Houston.  Great storyteller. Sam is actually staying at my place in Austin next week.  James Milton popped his head in a couple times.  He's quiet, but when he speaks, that kid is funny.  


Every time I'm there, it's a different mix of comedians.  We write, workshop material, exchange business ideas, exchange business contacts.  Mostly, though, we go on adventures. Midnight karaoke. Crash an open mic or two.  Stuff our faces with Seattle cuisine like dim sum, sushi, pancakes.  Five full comedians stuffed in a 4-person car, riffing.  It's a great time. It's like going to a comedy festival but nobody charged me a submission fee.  I've gotten more business & material, & I've had more fun during one stay at Susan's & Larry's than all the comedy festivals I have ever done - combined!  I'm thankful for that.


2. Susan Jones is connected.
So, Susan & Larry constantly host out-of-town comedians. Comedy comes to them. Susan is also an integral part of the Seattle comedy scene.  She used to manage a prominent comedy club.  When she isn't on the road, she's constantly onstage in town.  To say she's funny is an understatement.  You should see her level an audience.  Check out a clip here.

Partly because she's a strong comedian & partly because she's just a nice person*, she's a great resource when your schedule up here is a little light. She knows everybody. A high percentage of the gigs I get up here are due either to her information or to her direct influence.  "My friend Jake is in town next month.  Can you get him a gig?" We're sitting in her living room, me on the couch & her in "the command chair."  She says "Okay, so what dates do you have open again?" We make calls, send some e-mails. We fill the dates. Usually, it's pretty tough to get a hold of the clubs & bookers you want to work for, but bookers call her!

She's fostering talent, building a community of comedians who help each other get work. Usually when a comedian helps another comedian it's kind of like a "you scratch my back I scratch yours" kind of deal, but Susan's a lot farther in her career than I am.  I've gotten her a couple shows here & there, but nothing compared to how much she has helped me. I don't know if I'll ever be able to completely pay her back.  As I told her recently, I pretty much just need to get famous- just so I can hook her up someday!

These days, I know enough folks up here I can usually book most of my gigs on my own.  Susan helped pave that road for me, though.  Most of these gigs are repeat business- but before I could repeat that business, Susan helped me get in.  If you haven't worked in show business, you probably don't have any idea how important that is.  There are millions of new comedians taking gigs every day.  Even if you're super funny, it's a rough business.  Doors don't open themselves.  So, I appreciate the help!

3. Susan Jones has a Ragnar.
I never thought I'd like any poodle.  When I think of poodles, I think of high maintenance, fancy pants, snotty owners who give their dogs doucheface haircuts & parade them around on TV because that's easier than being an interesting person.

Susan has a toy poodle named Ragnar who goes absolutely batnuts when you come to the door.   His tail wags faster than a hummingbird.  It practically lifts him off the ground. You'd think you were his best friend who miraculously came back from the dead.

Ragnar doesn't have a stupid haircut. I didn't even know he was a poodle till somebody told me. He's just a happy little goof.  Plus, he has a couple buddies.  Lady is a sweet little dachshund.  Dozer is one of two or three cats on this planet I actually like.  Most cats suck, not dozer. Now that I'm engaged, she might be the only female my fiancee will let take a nap with me.

Anyway, Susan & Larry have exposed their animals to a multitude of us vagabond comedians, so they are social, super chill.  Along with Susan, Larry, their family, & all the comedians, these pets make you feel at home. When you're on the road, sometimes you're just in a crappy hotel, eating ramen.  So, feeling at home is pretty cool. I'm thankful & honored to be part of that cast.
There are a lot of great things I can say about Susan.  I barely scratched the surface. I haven't even begun to tell you how great Larry is.  Super chill dude.  He puts up with comedians in his house, constantly.  Believe me: that's a big deal.  Comedians are high maintenance! He takes us to the airport & the ferry....

Anyway, I'm thankful I know Susan & Larry.  Make sure to check out her website, wannarollafatty.com/ . If you're in the area where she's performing, go to a show.

I'm also really thankful you read my blog.  Until next time...

Bye!  I'm Jake!

*Susan is a super nice person.  It's probably not a good idea to screw her over though.  She does know everybody up here. :)

Thanks, Zoom!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I have a bad memory.  I am constantly writing new material for my stand-up comedy act, but I have a hard time remembering half the things I've written.  So, whenever I do a gig, I usually revert to the tried and true material that I've been doing for forever.  My writing is way more prolific than my act would lead you to believe because my crappy memory bottlenecks my process!  I can't give you new material if I can't remember it!

So, a few months ago, I began a change:  I now record every single set on my Zoom H1.  Then, I endeavor to listen to each set within a week of recording it. This is crucial!  Listening to my sets while reading the material I wrote for those sets helps me remember the material.

Moreover, I ad-lib constantly. Even though most of my material comes from sitting down, shuffling through my notes, & cranking out jokes & stories, I have an improv background- so, a decent percentage of my best punchlines were originally ad-libs.  I tend to say things more naturally on stage than I do on paper.

The problem is my brain doesn't always remember my ad-libs.  However, my Zoom H1 records everything. Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because I have a Zoom H1:

1. The audio is crystal clear.
The microphones on the Zoom H1 sound amazing.  My previous voice recorder, some Olympus piece of dung cost $85, which is about $10 less than the Zoom H1. The Olympus recorder's microphones sounded horrible, tinny. Every time I tried listening to a performance, I had to play back each line about 10 times just to see if I could figure out what I said.  With the H1, I can recognize every word instantly.  Unless I am mumbling, or my face is buried in a pillow, I can hear & understand every word, every punchline, every ad-lib.

In fact, the audio is so good I often use my ad-libs on my podcast, The Battery Podcast.  If I'm interacting with an audience member, you can distinctly hear both of us. That Olympus piece of crap barely picked me up, let alone some loudmouth idiot from the 10th row! So, you can hear the same idiot I heard! I'm thankful for that.

2. The H1 is out of the way. I'm out of the way too.
In the past, to get a decent recording of my set, I'd have to get some line-cook slash sound guy from the comedy club to give me permission to connect my device to his soundboard.  "I promise: I'll re-connect all the cables I pulled.  I know.  I know.  The last guy that promised you that didn't take care of that. Then, because you do a soundcheck, you didn't have audio until a half-hour into the show.  I swear.  I won't leave you hanging."

I've had that conversation a million times.  Because I worked two weeks after an irresponsible, big-headed douche who screwed up the club's audio, I didn't get to record.  Or, I did get to record, but I had a long tenuous conversation before they'd let me do anything.

With the H1, I don't have to do that anymore. I also don't have to wear a lavalier mic.  I'm not a news reporter.  I don't need a lav.

I also don't have to worry about the door guy slash sound guy accidentally turning my device off or pressing a button so I don't get any recording.

I have crystal clear audio in my pocket.  If for any reason it is screwed up, it's because I forgot to put in new batteries. That's it.  I'm the only one who's accountable.  I am extremely thankful for that.


3. The H1 can record a variety of file formats.
This part isn't glamorous.  This is nerd talk.  My H1 can record broadcast quality WAV (96 kHz, 48 kHz, 44.1 kHZ, at 16-bit or 24-bit). It can also record mp3 from 48 mbps to 320 mbps. Source: amazon.com

The point is, I can record over 2 hours' worth of high quality audio, or over 20 hours' worth of still pretty amazing audio!  Considering I'm the kind of guy who occasionally forgets to empty my memory card before my next recording, this is huge!

As long as I put in fresh batteries, I always have a recording.  Reliability is crucial when recording.  The H1 is more reliable than I am!  I'm thankful for that.

It's Time Time

Hi! I'm Jake!

I haven't worn a watch in over 2 years.  Yet, I am constantly aware of time.  Each comedy set I do has to be a minimum amount of time- and they don't want me going over my time either.  I am 34-years-old- which means I have been alive for over 12,500 days!  How many days do I have left?

A time line is comprised of dots, moments in time connected to each other, before and after other moments.  If time didn't exist, if we just had one big circumstance where everything happened simultaneously, it would be chaos.

Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because Time Exists:

1. I don't think I could focus!

On a personal level, I have focus issues. If everything happened all at once, I wouldn't be able to juggle it.  I have to study for a test, simultaneously take the test, while graduating, getting married, going to my wife's funeral, watching my grandpa's birth, and watching the Discovery shuttle explode? I need a break!  

Unfortunately, I'd have to take that break at the same moment as everything else. Not much of a break.

I'm thankful we have time so I can space all those things out! Learn something new every day!

2. No time means no such thing as a slow dance.

I love my lady more than I have loved any lady.  She's amazing.  When we get married, I can't wait to slow dance with her. The thing is, without time, the word "slow" has no meaning.  Slow refers to speed. Speed is determined by distance over time.  No time means no speed. No time means no birth, no death, no change. Death of the present moment is what makes the present moment priceless. We'll never have that exact moment again.  

So, a slow dance with a loved one wouldn't be possible without time.  Time means I can die, but it also means I can have a priceless moment with my wife.  For that, I am thankful.

3. No time means gross body functions.

In the last entry, I told you I'd take the high brow back down to low brow.  So here you go! Having a timeline means better sex and better poops- but not at the same time!

Can you imagine taking every poop you have ever taken, are taking, and ever will take all at once?  That would be awful!  You'd be eating while taking those poops, too!

Sex would also be awful. Anybody having sex would be having sex with someone who is a baby, adult, old person, and dead person, all at once. I'm pretty sure that's illegal! I'm pretty sure that's gross too.

So, instead of geriatric pedophilia, love making at least has the potential to be beautiful.

Beautiful poops. Beautiful sex. I think we're all thankful for that.

I Saw My Brother Yesterday

Hi!  I'm Jake!

Yesterday morning, I drove about 220 miles, from Austin to Grapevine, Texas. Last night, I drove back to Austin. 440 miles. 14 gallons of gas. I didn't have a gig.  I didn't make money.  I wasn't showcasing for a comedy club. It cost me about $60 in gas.

There was no profit- but I was truly rewarded! My brother Andy had a business conference in Grapevine that ended yesterday. I picked him up.  We ate waaay too much barbecue. We walked around Grapevine, Texas' downtown.  Tried to walk off all the food we just ate. We looked at a couple art galleries. We peered inside a log cabin that was relocated and preserved for tourists to examine. I hope they do that to my apartment someday.

It was just a nice day.  I hadn't seen my brother since Thanksgiving. I usually only see him once or twice a year.  So, it was a bonus that I got to see him in the state where I live.  Plus, he bought the barbecue!  You can't beat that!  Anyway, here are 3 Things I am Thankful For because I Saw My Brother Yesterday:

1. We got to share the joy of Texas barbecue!
We ate at Hard Eight, a barbecue joint I went to a couple years ago in Coppell.  I remembered the amazing menu. So, when my brother told me he was planning on coming to Texas, I immediately checked to see how far his hotel was from there.  Ten minutes, easily worth the drive. It would have been worth driving another 30 minutes.

My brother and I ate a pound of barbecue- each.  We had brisket- of course.  That's a Texas specialty. We had jalapeno sausage. We had bacon-wrapped shrimp. We each ate a pound of meat.  I told him ahead of time to make sure he was starving before we went there.  He was. Then we gorged. It was delicious.  We also each got creamed corn.  Texas creamed corn is different from that canned crap. In Texas, they use actual cream. It's so good! I had some beans too. Andy didn't have room.  I probably wouldn't have either, but I took a 5-minute break and made some room!

I didn't eat dinner last night. I barely ate breakfast today.  I am just now un-full.

My brother had never had Texas BBQ before.  He had Dickey's and barbecue from some of those other "Authentic BBQ" places.  But everybody who knows barbecue knows that Dickey's and pretty much any place in Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Massachusetts, Washington State, etc. doesn't know jack about barbecue. So I got to see my brother have real barbecue for the first time. You just can't beat that. I'm thankful.

Plus, he paid.  I'm double thankful!

2. We had small talk and big talk.
Andy and I walked around Grapevine's downtown.  We had a few hours before his flight.  That was enough time to hang out, but not enough time to do an extensive activity.  So,  we walked off some of the barbecue.

We talked about a lot of things ranging from Hard Eight's amazing barbecue to the paintings we saw in the art galleries. There was a lot of cowboy art.  We saw a couple paintings of old-timey fighter jets.  Our dad would like those.  We saw a painting of popcorn.  That's more my mom's style. We saw some paintings we're surprised were even hanging on the wall. They weren't graphic or obscene, just maybe a little amateurish.  That's cool, though.  At least they're trying.  I've hung paintings that shouldn't have been in the public eye either.

Then I told him about the video I made when I proposed to my fiancee.  Just retelling that story makes me kind of emotional- and I am typically not very emotional!  It was cool to share such a happy moment with my brother.  I haven't really told too many of my family members about that moment yet. When she said yes, that was one of the happiest moments I have ever had. Sitting there in the shade telling my brother about it made me happy too.

Imagine if he hadn't flown into Texas yesterday?  Imagine if I was so tardy I just didn't come?  I have been that kind of a irresponsible letdown before.  I made it yesterday, though.  I am so glad I got to have that moment with my brother.  I'm thankful.

3. I'm far away from family and my fiancee.  Seeing people I love in Texas makes me feel more at home.
This subtitle is really all I have to say about this one.  I'm in a strange town.  I have met some really funny, really cool comedians. I do have some friends here.  However, I left a lot behind in Colorado.  My family is scattered across the country.  Now, I am too.  Even my fiancee is over a thousand miles away. I miss her daily. So, when a family member comes to my state and I get to see them, it makes me feel a little less alone. Maybe the world isn't so big after all.

I used to see Andy every day.  I took that for granted. I got to seem yesterday, though.  I am truly thankful for that.

Super Sweet Shredder!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I get a ton of junk mail.  I also write a lot and I don't want people digging through the trash reading my joke notes.  So, for long time, I used a paper shredder to destroy all my documents.  However, that broke.  So, when I lived in Denver, I just started using my Hobo Trash Can Fire.

Well, now I live in Texas, in an apartment complex that would freak the freak out if I started burning stuff on my patio.  So, lately I've been doing what I call toilet shredding.  I rip the papers up then flush em down the toilet!  Nobody will ever read those documents again!  However, this gets kind of tedious.  Plus, it's kind of weird when you do this in a hotel and you have to ask maintenance to come plunge your documents.

To destroy my documents, I've used fire and water.  Throw three more elements into the mix and Captain Planet will show up!   Nobody wants that.  Captain Planet is too bulgy. More like Captain Package!

So, this week, I finally got a paper shredder.  I shredded documents for about an hour.  It was awesome. Here are 3 Things I am Thankful For because of my Super Sweet Shredder:

1. No more toxic fumes from the Hobo Trash Can Fire
As much fun as it is, burning a lot of trash outside your house makes you smell bad. It's bad for your lungs, too. Plus, the police come by and ask if you're ok.  It's an ordeal.

Shredding paper in my home is hassle free.  It's easy. Even the Pope could do it!  When he isn't putting on his hat or talking to church guys, he could shred a couple papal bulls. No problem!

So, no fumes and it's easy?  I am super thankful for that!


2. Less clutter makes me feel better.
I can be a little messy. All these stacks of paper really get me down. When I start shredding things, suddenly I have more room.  When I'm organized, it's easier for me to focus. I feel peace.  Plus, destroying my paper past gives me a release!

It feels so good!

3. Shreddings can be used for many household projects!
You don't have to throw your paper shreddings away. Paper shreddings can be used for all kinds of fun projects.

• Instead of a bean bag, make a shred bag!  
• Celebrate!  Turn your divorce papers into confetti!
• Need a little kindling for your fire? Shredded tax forms burn real easy.  Fahrenheit 1099!
• Shreddings are great for the hamster cage!  Give him some shredding bedding!
• Use paper shreddings to make a pillow for your grandma.  Shred that version of the will where you don't get anything- then put that in her pillow! Everyone will sleep well at night!

Because I am reusing the shreddings instead of just throwing them away, I am helping the environment. Turns out it's really easy to help the environment! Plus, it's fun! I'm thankful for that.  you like fun, don't you?

My lady gives me good... advice.

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I'm having one of those days where I make a 15-item to do list but only accomplish 2 things.  It's frustrating.  One of my big things was to write some jokes so I could go to at least one open mic tonight.  I really wanted to go to two open mics, one that started at 8:00 and one that started at 9:00.

Well, I finally started writing at 7:00.  Not good.  I wasn't even really creating much either.  I was just taking notes from my notepad and organizing them by subject.

At 9:00, I reached a stopping point.  Another way of saying that is my fianceè called at 8:45, and at 9:00, I realized I was done writing.  I told her how I was going to go to an open mic, but I should have been there at 8:30 and I probably wouldn't get there till 9:30.  She told me I should go anyway. I said "I don't know.  I'm going to be late. I don't want to be that guy." Regardless, she talked me into going. I'm glad she did. Most of the time, I am very thankful for my fiancee's advice.

Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because My Lady Gives Me Good... Advice:

1. It shows how she is invested in me.
When my lady takes the time to give me advice, it shows that she is thinking of me. When she takes the time to give me good advice, it shows she actually has quality insight about me. She knows me well enough to know the probable result if I don't take her advice.

In concrete terms, tonight, she told me how she knew that if I didn't go to the open mic, that tomorrow, I'd complain to her "I should have gone to the open mic."  She knew this because she's seen me do it before!

So, she was thinking of my happiness.  I got on stage, worked on some jokes, and I got an artistic release.  Also, she benefits because she doesn't have to hear me gripe about not going.  So, really, she was speaking out of mutual interest. Two for the price of one!

In the long run, repeated stage time improves my act- which improves my career, which will improve our lives together.  We are thankful that she recognizes that.


2. We have an open dialogue. 
My lady and I have an open door policy. We can talk about anything- including advice for one another.
I have seen relationships where this is not the case.  Instead of being each other's best counsel, I've sene spouses tell their friends what they wish their husband or wife would have done.  That always starts out as venting.  Soon it becomes backstabbing.  Eventually, both parties are unhappy and because they didn't talk to each other, neither of them is working towards a solution.

Now, put this back in the context of the open mic: chances are, our relationship wouldn't be in jeopardy if I didn't go to the open mic.  However, if she felt she had to keep her opinion to herself on something small like whether I should go to a mic, imagine how she'd feel about advising me about something bigger, like whether I should get a pony!  If she can't talk to me about an open mic, then we're going to have real big problems if and when I bring home a state fair pony!

This is about communication.  This is about faith in one another.  This is about respect.  If you don't have these things, you can't have a pony.  If you do, well, we can talk about it, Jake.  I don't know if it's in our budget right now.  How about we just go to the state fair sometime then get a pony when your comedy career takes off?  Okay, Callie.

We can talk about things like that.  I am truly thankful for that.

3. Since I took her advice, I can give her some too.
What's good for the gander, is good for the goose!  Since she gives me advice, it would be in bad form for her not to listen to mine.

By the way, she has taken my advice before. We are both really good about listening to each other's advice.  Now, that's not to say we always have to take it.  I'm not her boss.  She is not my boss.  I hope she doesn't read that last part.

That's the thing, though: we give each other advice, not orders. Occasionally, we strongly advise things like : "I really think you should do your 2010 taxes.  I think we'll both feel better."  or "Jake, I strongly advise you to avoid bringing up politics the next time you talk with my parents."  Good call!

So, in our relationship, advice goes both ways.  That gives us balance and again, respect.  I am thankful for that.