Thanks, Zoom!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I have a bad memory.  I am constantly writing new material for my stand-up comedy act, but I have a hard time remembering half the things I've written.  So, whenever I do a gig, I usually revert to the tried and true material that I've been doing for forever.  My writing is way more prolific than my act would lead you to believe because my crappy memory bottlenecks my process!  I can't give you new material if I can't remember it!

So, a few months ago, I began a change:  I now record every single set on my Zoom H1.  Then, I endeavor to listen to each set within a week of recording it. This is crucial!  Listening to my sets while reading the material I wrote for those sets helps me remember the material.

Moreover, I ad-lib constantly. Even though most of my material comes from sitting down, shuffling through my notes, & cranking out jokes & stories, I have an improv background- so, a decent percentage of my best punchlines were originally ad-libs.  I tend to say things more naturally on stage than I do on paper.

The problem is my brain doesn't always remember my ad-libs.  However, my Zoom H1 records everything. Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because I have a Zoom H1:

1. The audio is crystal clear.
The microphones on the Zoom H1 sound amazing.  My previous voice recorder, some Olympus piece of dung cost $85, which is about $10 less than the Zoom H1. The Olympus recorder's microphones sounded horrible, tinny. Every time I tried listening to a performance, I had to play back each line about 10 times just to see if I could figure out what I said.  With the H1, I can recognize every word instantly.  Unless I am mumbling, or my face is buried in a pillow, I can hear & understand every word, every punchline, every ad-lib.

In fact, the audio is so good I often use my ad-libs on my podcast, The Battery Podcast.  If I'm interacting with an audience member, you can distinctly hear both of us. That Olympus piece of crap barely picked me up, let alone some loudmouth idiot from the 10th row! So, you can hear the same idiot I heard! I'm thankful for that.

2. The H1 is out of the way. I'm out of the way too.
In the past, to get a decent recording of my set, I'd have to get some line-cook slash sound guy from the comedy club to give me permission to connect my device to his soundboard.  "I promise: I'll re-connect all the cables I pulled.  I know.  I know.  The last guy that promised you that didn't take care of that. Then, because you do a soundcheck, you didn't have audio until a half-hour into the show.  I swear.  I won't leave you hanging."

I've had that conversation a million times.  Because I worked two weeks after an irresponsible, big-headed douche who screwed up the club's audio, I didn't get to record.  Or, I did get to record, but I had a long tenuous conversation before they'd let me do anything.

With the H1, I don't have to do that anymore. I also don't have to wear a lavalier mic.  I'm not a news reporter.  I don't need a lav.

I also don't have to worry about the door guy slash sound guy accidentally turning my device off or pressing a button so I don't get any recording.

I have crystal clear audio in my pocket.  If for any reason it is screwed up, it's because I forgot to put in new batteries. That's it.  I'm the only one who's accountable.  I am extremely thankful for that.


3. The H1 can record a variety of file formats.
This part isn't glamorous.  This is nerd talk.  My H1 can record broadcast quality WAV (96 kHz, 48 kHz, 44.1 kHZ, at 16-bit or 24-bit). It can also record mp3 from 48 mbps to 320 mbps. Source: amazon.com

The point is, I can record over 2 hours' worth of high quality audio, or over 20 hours' worth of still pretty amazing audio!  Considering I'm the kind of guy who occasionally forgets to empty my memory card before my next recording, this is huge!

As long as I put in fresh batteries, I always have a recording.  Reliability is crucial when recording.  The H1 is more reliable than I am!  I'm thankful for that.

It's Time Time

Hi! I'm Jake!

I haven't worn a watch in over 2 years.  Yet, I am constantly aware of time.  Each comedy set I do has to be a minimum amount of time- and they don't want me going over my time either.  I am 34-years-old- which means I have been alive for over 12,500 days!  How many days do I have left?

A time line is comprised of dots, moments in time connected to each other, before and after other moments.  If time didn't exist, if we just had one big circumstance where everything happened simultaneously, it would be chaos.

Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because Time Exists:

1. I don't think I could focus!

On a personal level, I have focus issues. If everything happened all at once, I wouldn't be able to juggle it.  I have to study for a test, simultaneously take the test, while graduating, getting married, going to my wife's funeral, watching my grandpa's birth, and watching the Discovery shuttle explode? I need a break!  

Unfortunately, I'd have to take that break at the same moment as everything else. Not much of a break.

I'm thankful we have time so I can space all those things out! Learn something new every day!

2. No time means no such thing as a slow dance.

I love my lady more than I have loved any lady.  She's amazing.  When we get married, I can't wait to slow dance with her. The thing is, without time, the word "slow" has no meaning.  Slow refers to speed. Speed is determined by distance over time.  No time means no speed. No time means no birth, no death, no change. Death of the present moment is what makes the present moment priceless. We'll never have that exact moment again.  

So, a slow dance with a loved one wouldn't be possible without time.  Time means I can die, but it also means I can have a priceless moment with my wife.  For that, I am thankful.

3. No time means gross body functions.

In the last entry, I told you I'd take the high brow back down to low brow.  So here you go! Having a timeline means better sex and better poops- but not at the same time!

Can you imagine taking every poop you have ever taken, are taking, and ever will take all at once?  That would be awful!  You'd be eating while taking those poops, too!

Sex would also be awful. Anybody having sex would be having sex with someone who is a baby, adult, old person, and dead person, all at once. I'm pretty sure that's illegal! I'm pretty sure that's gross too.

So, instead of geriatric pedophilia, love making at least has the potential to be beautiful.

Beautiful poops. Beautiful sex. I think we're all thankful for that.

I Saw My Brother Yesterday

Hi!  I'm Jake!

Yesterday morning, I drove about 220 miles, from Austin to Grapevine, Texas. Last night, I drove back to Austin. 440 miles. 14 gallons of gas. I didn't have a gig.  I didn't make money.  I wasn't showcasing for a comedy club. It cost me about $60 in gas.

There was no profit- but I was truly rewarded! My brother Andy had a business conference in Grapevine that ended yesterday. I picked him up.  We ate waaay too much barbecue. We walked around Grapevine, Texas' downtown.  Tried to walk off all the food we just ate. We looked at a couple art galleries. We peered inside a log cabin that was relocated and preserved for tourists to examine. I hope they do that to my apartment someday.

It was just a nice day.  I hadn't seen my brother since Thanksgiving. I usually only see him once or twice a year.  So, it was a bonus that I got to see him in the state where I live.  Plus, he bought the barbecue!  You can't beat that!  Anyway, here are 3 Things I am Thankful For because I Saw My Brother Yesterday:

1. We got to share the joy of Texas barbecue!
We ate at Hard Eight, a barbecue joint I went to a couple years ago in Coppell.  I remembered the amazing menu. So, when my brother told me he was planning on coming to Texas, I immediately checked to see how far his hotel was from there.  Ten minutes, easily worth the drive. It would have been worth driving another 30 minutes.

My brother and I ate a pound of barbecue- each.  We had brisket- of course.  That's a Texas specialty. We had jalapeno sausage. We had bacon-wrapped shrimp. We each ate a pound of meat.  I told him ahead of time to make sure he was starving before we went there.  He was. Then we gorged. It was delicious.  We also each got creamed corn.  Texas creamed corn is different from that canned crap. In Texas, they use actual cream. It's so good! I had some beans too. Andy didn't have room.  I probably wouldn't have either, but I took a 5-minute break and made some room!

I didn't eat dinner last night. I barely ate breakfast today.  I am just now un-full.

My brother had never had Texas BBQ before.  He had Dickey's and barbecue from some of those other "Authentic BBQ" places.  But everybody who knows barbecue knows that Dickey's and pretty much any place in Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Massachusetts, Washington State, etc. doesn't know jack about barbecue. So I got to see my brother have real barbecue for the first time. You just can't beat that. I'm thankful.

Plus, he paid.  I'm double thankful!

2. We had small talk and big talk.
Andy and I walked around Grapevine's downtown.  We had a few hours before his flight.  That was enough time to hang out, but not enough time to do an extensive activity.  So,  we walked off some of the barbecue.

We talked about a lot of things ranging from Hard Eight's amazing barbecue to the paintings we saw in the art galleries. There was a lot of cowboy art.  We saw a couple paintings of old-timey fighter jets.  Our dad would like those.  We saw a painting of popcorn.  That's more my mom's style. We saw some paintings we're surprised were even hanging on the wall. They weren't graphic or obscene, just maybe a little amateurish.  That's cool, though.  At least they're trying.  I've hung paintings that shouldn't have been in the public eye either.

Then I told him about the video I made when I proposed to my fiancee.  Just retelling that story makes me kind of emotional- and I am typically not very emotional!  It was cool to share such a happy moment with my brother.  I haven't really told too many of my family members about that moment yet. When she said yes, that was one of the happiest moments I have ever had. Sitting there in the shade telling my brother about it made me happy too.

Imagine if he hadn't flown into Texas yesterday?  Imagine if I was so tardy I just didn't come?  I have been that kind of a irresponsible letdown before.  I made it yesterday, though.  I am so glad I got to have that moment with my brother.  I'm thankful.

3. I'm far away from family and my fiancee.  Seeing people I love in Texas makes me feel more at home.
This subtitle is really all I have to say about this one.  I'm in a strange town.  I have met some really funny, really cool comedians. I do have some friends here.  However, I left a lot behind in Colorado.  My family is scattered across the country.  Now, I am too.  Even my fiancee is over a thousand miles away. I miss her daily. So, when a family member comes to my state and I get to see them, it makes me feel a little less alone. Maybe the world isn't so big after all.

I used to see Andy every day.  I took that for granted. I got to seem yesterday, though.  I am truly thankful for that.

Southwest Airlines Rocks!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

This year, I decided I will not drive all over the country just for the sake of doing road gigs. I decided I need to value my time better. I have spent too many hours behind the wheel, instead of in the club performing or at my desk writing jokes.  So, I decided to only take gigs that are either within an 8-hour drive or worth buying a flight.

A big motivator for me to quit driving and start flying more is the frequent flyer miles.  Honda doesn't give me frequent driver miles.  I don't get free gas from the gas stations either.  Every mile on the ground is a mile I pay for immediately at the pump and then again when my car needs work.  It's expensive. So I am flying more.

Part of this process has been finding convenient, inexpensive flights. This past year, I have flown with pretty much every major carrier at least once.  Most airlines have been great- except American Airlines. They can eat my cheese!

American Airlines prit'near screwed me when I missed a flight in February.  Their customer service lady misinformed me.  She told me because I missed my flight, I'd just have to buy a new one. She didn't tell me American had already re-booked me on a flight for the next day. She let me believe I was stranded in Boise without the means to get home.  So, no, they will not get the bulk of my service.  Click here to hear the story on The Battery Podcast.

Delta is cool, but it doesn't really go most of the places I travel.

United has great customer service and great prices.  When I was stranded in Boise, Gretchen Hess, a United Airlines agent, helped me figure out a solution.  She is great.  So is United. I will fly with them as often as possible.

However, I am choosing Southwest to be my main airline.  Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because Southwest Airlines Rocks!

1. Southwest allows 2 checked bags for FREE!
Most of the airlines charge between $25 and $35 per checked bag.  Southwest lets you check two bags for free.  This is crucial.

To afford my travel, I usually bring t-shirts to sell at the shows.  On one gig this year, American charged me $50 to bring my shirts round trip.  I was working a brand new comedy club, and the other comedian I was working with advertised FOUR different t-shirts from the stage!  It took like 10 minutes to hear all about his shirts! Holy crap!  It was a shirt show!  So, after the show, people quickly walked past us. I only sold $30 worth of shirts that week.  The point is, because of that dude and American Airlines' baggage fees, I lost money because I brought shirts! American Airlines took what I made- and then some!

With Southwest, I can bring two bags for free. If I don't sell shirts, I'll still have to carry around that heavy shirt bag, but I won't have to pay American Airlines to do so. I'm thankful for that!

2. No fee to change flights either.
I am pretty flighty. Get it?  Sometimes, though, after I book a flight, I have to change my flight. Most airlines charge a change fee.  Southwest does not.  This came in handy yesterday.

I have a Northwest trip coming up this week.  Check out my dates at jakeisfantastic.com/schedule.html. I'm flying into SEA-TAC, doing two-and-a-half weeks at various venues, then I fly home from Portland.

I originally booked an evening flight home.  However, I fly back the day of the the Funniest Person In Austin contest finals. Just in case I made the finals, I switched my flight to an earlier flight. I figured I better do it while the prices were still low. When I changed my flight, Southwest only charged me for the difference in ticket price.  Nice!  American Airlines would have charged me $150 PLUS the change in fare.

By the way, I believe that is pretty consistent with most other airlines, too. As far as I know, Southwest is the only airline that doesn't charge you to change your flight.

Then, this week, when I got knocked out of the contest, I changed my flight again! I changed my flight to a later flight that cost $77 less than the previous ticket I purchased. American Airlines would have charged me $150 for each of these flight changes (a total of $450). Southwest Airlines gave me a $77 credit to use the next time I fly.  I am super-thankful for that!  Also, American Airlines, you suck!

3. My future father-in-law likes Southwest Airlines.
When I was in North Carolina a few weeks ago, My future father-in-law and I sat there talking about Southwest Airlines for about 20 minutes.  He regaled me with stories about the attractive stewardesses and free drinks of yesteryear.  We talked about the practicality of the free baggage, great routing, and great frequent flyer program they have now.

I'm new to this whole in-law thing.  I don't want to talk much politics or anything too racy just yet.  It was cool that we bonded over something as simple as which airline is the coolest.  I'm thankful for that. Thanks, Southwest!  Without you, I might have brought up which cheeses are my favorite.  That would have been titillating!  "Well, I used to like zweibel, but now I am more of a brie guy."  Even though that's a true statement, and I really feel like cheese right now, I'm glad I didn't show him how much of a cheese nerd I am- yet. Cheese?  Good topic, nerd!

Super Sweet Shredder!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I get a ton of junk mail.  I also write a lot and I don't want people digging through the trash reading my joke notes.  So, for long time, I used a paper shredder to destroy all my documents.  However, that broke.  So, when I lived in Denver, I just started using my Hobo Trash Can Fire.

Well, now I live in Texas, in an apartment complex that would freak the freak out if I started burning stuff on my patio.  So, lately I've been doing what I call toilet shredding.  I rip the papers up then flush em down the toilet!  Nobody will ever read those documents again!  However, this gets kind of tedious.  Plus, it's kind of weird when you do this in a hotel and you have to ask maintenance to come plunge your documents.

To destroy my documents, I've used fire and water.  Throw three more elements into the mix and Captain Planet will show up!   Nobody wants that.  Captain Planet is too bulgy. More like Captain Package!

So, this week, I finally got a paper shredder.  I shredded documents for about an hour.  It was awesome. Here are 3 Things I am Thankful For because of my Super Sweet Shredder:

1. No more toxic fumes from the Hobo Trash Can Fire
As much fun as it is, burning a lot of trash outside your house makes you smell bad. It's bad for your lungs, too. Plus, the police come by and ask if you're ok.  It's an ordeal.

Shredding paper in my home is hassle free.  It's easy. Even the Pope could do it!  When he isn't putting on his hat or talking to church guys, he could shred a couple papal bulls. No problem!

So, no fumes and it's easy?  I am super thankful for that!


2. Less clutter makes me feel better.
I can be a little messy. All these stacks of paper really get me down. When I start shredding things, suddenly I have more room.  When I'm organized, it's easier for me to focus. I feel peace.  Plus, destroying my paper past gives me a release!

It feels so good!

3. Shreddings can be used for many household projects!
You don't have to throw your paper shreddings away. Paper shreddings can be used for all kinds of fun projects.

• Instead of a bean bag, make a shred bag!  
• Celebrate!  Turn your divorce papers into confetti!
• Need a little kindling for your fire? Shredded tax forms burn real easy.  Fahrenheit 1099!
• Shreddings are great for the hamster cage!  Give him some shredding bedding!
• Use paper shreddings to make a pillow for your grandma.  Shred that version of the will where you don't get anything- then put that in her pillow! Everyone will sleep well at night!

Because I am reusing the shreddings instead of just throwing them away, I am helping the environment. Turns out it's really easy to help the environment! Plus, it's fun! I'm thankful for that.  you like fun, don't you?

My lady gives me good... advice.

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I'm having one of those days where I make a 15-item to do list but only accomplish 2 things.  It's frustrating.  One of my big things was to write some jokes so I could go to at least one open mic tonight.  I really wanted to go to two open mics, one that started at 8:00 and one that started at 9:00.

Well, I finally started writing at 7:00.  Not good.  I wasn't even really creating much either.  I was just taking notes from my notepad and organizing them by subject.

At 9:00, I reached a stopping point.  Another way of saying that is my fianceè called at 8:45, and at 9:00, I realized I was done writing.  I told her how I was going to go to an open mic, but I should have been there at 8:30 and I probably wouldn't get there till 9:30.  She told me I should go anyway. I said "I don't know.  I'm going to be late. I don't want to be that guy." Regardless, she talked me into going. I'm glad she did. Most of the time, I am very thankful for my fiancee's advice.

Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because My Lady Gives Me Good... Advice:

1. It shows how she is invested in me.
When my lady takes the time to give me advice, it shows that she is thinking of me. When she takes the time to give me good advice, it shows she actually has quality insight about me. She knows me well enough to know the probable result if I don't take her advice.

In concrete terms, tonight, she told me how she knew that if I didn't go to the open mic, that tomorrow, I'd complain to her "I should have gone to the open mic."  She knew this because she's seen me do it before!

So, she was thinking of my happiness.  I got on stage, worked on some jokes, and I got an artistic release.  Also, she benefits because she doesn't have to hear me gripe about not going.  So, really, she was speaking out of mutual interest. Two for the price of one!

In the long run, repeated stage time improves my act- which improves my career, which will improve our lives together.  We are thankful that she recognizes that.


2. We have an open dialogue. 
My lady and I have an open door policy. We can talk about anything- including advice for one another.
I have seen relationships where this is not the case.  Instead of being each other's best counsel, I've sene spouses tell their friends what they wish their husband or wife would have done.  That always starts out as venting.  Soon it becomes backstabbing.  Eventually, both parties are unhappy and because they didn't talk to each other, neither of them is working towards a solution.

Now, put this back in the context of the open mic: chances are, our relationship wouldn't be in jeopardy if I didn't go to the open mic.  However, if she felt she had to keep her opinion to herself on something small like whether I should go to a mic, imagine how she'd feel about advising me about something bigger, like whether I should get a pony!  If she can't talk to me about an open mic, then we're going to have real big problems if and when I bring home a state fair pony!

This is about communication.  This is about faith in one another.  This is about respect.  If you don't have these things, you can't have a pony.  If you do, well, we can talk about it, Jake.  I don't know if it's in our budget right now.  How about we just go to the state fair sometime then get a pony when your comedy career takes off?  Okay, Callie.

We can talk about things like that.  I am truly thankful for that.

3. Since I took her advice, I can give her some too.
What's good for the gander, is good for the goose!  Since she gives me advice, it would be in bad form for her not to listen to mine.

By the way, she has taken my advice before. We are both really good about listening to each other's advice.  Now, that's not to say we always have to take it.  I'm not her boss.  She is not my boss.  I hope she doesn't read that last part.

That's the thing, though: we give each other advice, not orders. Occasionally, we strongly advise things like : "I really think you should do your 2010 taxes.  I think we'll both feel better."  or "Jake, I strongly advise you to avoid bringing up politics the next time you talk with my parents."  Good call!

So, in our relationship, advice goes both ways.  That gives us balance and again, respect.  I am thankful for that.

It's Bed Time! Yay!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

It's already been a long week.  I am pooped!  Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because It's Bed Time!  Yay!

1. I get to dream.
I absolutely love dreams- especially lucid dreams!  Anytime you are dreaming and you realize you are dreaming, you can control the dream.  You can do whatever you want! You can fly, eat a bunch of cake, tell a Kardashian how she is a bad influence!  In your dreams, the world can be yours!

2. Tomorrow, I will have energy!
I am completely wiped out right now.  When I am this exhausted, it's hard to be organized.  It's hard to accomplish your goals. It's hard to be friendly to people.  It's also hard to listen.

Tomorrow, I don't have any time-sensitive appointments until the evening. So, I can sleep in till 9, then start checking stuff off my to do list.  Rest and accomplishment on the same day?  I am super psyched for that!  Plus I won't be sleepy when I'm driving!  Everybody gets to stay alive!

3. If I can't be with my fianceè, it's just easier to be asleep.
I hate being away from her.  It's awful.  She is the love of my life.  When I sleep, though, time passes quickly. The next day, I am that much closer to seeing her again.  Man, I am thankful for that! If you can't time travel, just pass out!