The UMS 2012 Rocked!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I'm a little late in writing about this, but last week, I was back in Denver for The Underground Music Showcase (The UMS).  It's a really fun indy music festival. I think they had 35 stages and over 300 bands. For being underground, it's a pretty big music festival!

I've been involved in The UMS for 5 years now. This was my 5th year putting together a great line-up of comedians and hosting the show.

This year, they gave us a 3-hour show. Typically, 3 hours is too long for a comedy show.  Unless they're watching Lord of the Rings, nobody has a 3-hour attention span.  However, the crowds came and went several times throughout the show.  One weird thing about a music festival like this is because there are so many shows going on at once, each show has a revolving door. Crowds come. Crowds go.  They want to check out as many things as possible.  When my show wasn't going on, I did the same thing!  I watched a band, stayed for a few songs, then wen off to sample some more.

As long as when they came in the door something funny was happening, they stuck around for awhile.  Even if something funny was happening, though, at some point, they left to go see other bands.  Or, they left other bands to come see us.  The show started with maybe 5 people in the crowd.  By the end of the night, every table was full.  That's usually the opposite of how my shows go!

Wel, let's get to it. Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because of The 2012 Underground Music Showcase:

1.  I got to come back to Denver.
I left Denver August 2011.  I have been back briefly since then twice, once last November, and once this January. I miss my friends.  I miss my family.

And right now,  the Denver comedy scene is exploding. People are getting in the Montreal Comedy Festival.  All these ladies are getting Nick at Nite.  Huffington Post is writing about everybody and their mother. Denver is the place to be. So what do I do? I move. Good call. Good career choice.  That's what I do: make good career choices.

By the way, if I had to move anywhere, I am glad to be in Austin. Every time I am actually in town, I have a lot of fun down there.

Anyway, it was good to be back home for a bit.  I saw family.  I went to the gun range. I saw the mountains. I was home.  I am thankful for that.


2.  I got to see a lot of my comedy friends.
For this year's UMS, we performed at The Hornet's stage. The Hornet is one of my favorite places to eat in Denver.  It's right by my old apartment. You don't really need to know that part- unless you want a little Jake Sharon apartment history tour.

This year, I booked 20 of my favorite underground comedians.  At the last minute, I had a couple surprise drop-ins too.

Here's the lineup:

1. Jake Sharon (emcee)
2. Mike Jones (West Virginia/ Denver)
3. Heather Snow (Denver)
4. Jordan Doll (Denver)
5. Adrian Mesa (Miami/ Denver)
6. Brent The Great (Denver)
7. Erik Lindstrom (Fort Collins)
8. Stacy Roquemore (Denver)
9. Rick Bryan (Denver)
10. Tim Messenger (Boston/ D.C./ Denver)
11. Rubi Nicholas (Philadelphia/ Denver)
12. Elliot Woolsey (Denver)
13. Leif Cedar (Denver)
14. Brady Quarterman (Denver)
15. Michael Carter (Denver)
16. Matt Monroe (Denver)
17. Abbey Jordan (San Francisco/ Portland/ Denver)
18. John Crist (Denver)
19. Rick DeSimone (Denver)
20. Alex Ash (Denver)
21. Maureen Hobbs (Denver)
22. Brad Galli (Denver)
23. Jim Hickox (Denver)

When you have this many people on the show each doing 5-8 minute sets, you're going to have a pretty wide variety of content. We had physical comedy, family-friendly comedy, abrasive rapey comedy, political jokes, stoner jokes, relationship jokes, racial jokes, stories. Oddly enough, there weren't any musical comedians.  We're at a music festival and there's no music on the show!  Huh. But yeah, something for everybody- unless you wanted music.

I hadn't seen Adrian Mesa in 6 years.  I hadn't seen Rubi in 4 or 5.  Most of these other guys I hadn't seen since The February*, the last time I was in Denver.  So, it was super cool to see everybody showcase their new jokes. It was just supercool to see everybody, just in general.  I'm thankful for that.

3.  I got to see some great bands.
One of my favorite aspects of doing The UMS each year is I get to see a ton of cool bands.  It's four straight nights of just about every kind of indy music you can imagine.  As a performer, I got to see it all.  


At the 2011 UMS, I got to see one of my new favorite bands, Chicago's Git Some.  I got their 2008 CD, Cosmic Rock.  Those guys put out a really loud, in your face sound. I also saw Wheelchair Sports Camp, a nationally touring Denver hip-hop group with a sound that's on the level of Digable Planets.  I got their CD, Mixed Tapes.

This year, I head to leave The UMS right after my show on Friday night.  Bummer. I didn't get to see enough bands. At 11:15 pm, I got in my car so I could make my gig in San Angelo, Texas.  Hey, got to pay the bills.

However, before my show, I went to The UMS mainstage and I got to see Mancub.  Wow!  Those guys were great! Mancub is a laidback Denver techno duo, kind of a hi-tech/ lo-tech combo.  I'm a new fan.  Check em out at http://www.mancub303.com/.

That's the thing about the UMS: You'll see a ton of great bands, and you'll remember a few of them enough to become their fans.  Wow.  That sentence kind of rhymed.  I'm thankful for that.

Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I haven't blogged in over a week. I am super-stressed! In the past week, I have ruined my bike in a bike accident, almost died, driven over 2500 miles, been to the auto shop 4 times, and spent $1000 on my car.  Plus, I need hernia surgery. All this stuff is piling up and it's freaking me out! I am getting married soon, I need to take my debt down, not bring it up even more!

Fortunately, this week, I went to the gun range and got some stress relief. Here are 3 Things I am Thankful For Because of Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang!

1. I got some stress relief. 
Sometimes, I just need to calm down and focus.  Nothing makes me focus better than yoga.  However, the only thing that helps me focus almost as much as yoga is shooting at a target over and over, making paper zombie target carnage.

With both yoga and guns, you have to have proper form and concentrated breathing.  You have to focus. Focusing my mind make me relax.

2. I got to test out a Thureon Defense 9mm Carbine with a Slide Fire Solutions stock.

Oh, man!  What a treat! Remember the first time you played the 8-bit Nintendo with controllers that had turbo buttons?  Koopa Troopas aren't so tough now, right?  Well, the Slide Fire Solutions stock is basically a turbo button for your rifle.  It uses the gun's recoil and your body to increase your firing rate- significantly!  Plus, it's legal.

Check out this video of my sweet day at the range!  Talk about stress relief!  Shooting this Slide Fire- equipped 9mm really puts a smile on my face!  Try it out sometime.  You'll smile too.  I'm always thankful for smiles- except creepy smiles.  Then, not so much. See that?  I brought back "not so much."

3. I spent time with my dad.
I love going to the range with my dad.  Guns are one thing my dad and I both really enjoy.  Plus, every time I hang out with my dad, I am happy. We have a great relationship. Hanging out with him as an adult is just as fun as hanging out with him when I was a kid.  I've always enjoyed that- except when I'm in trouble.

My dad's my hero.  He's a good guy.  He's honest.  He's laid back- which also calms me down.  I know sometimes life makes him crazy too- but he doesn't freak out like I do.  He rolls with it.  I need to learn how to do that better.  Everybody around me would be thankful if I just CALMED DOWN! CALM DOWN, JAKE!

That Rubber Band!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

The RAM X-Grip mounted onto
my bike.

I have been cycling a lot lately. In the previous entries, I wrote about how I am thankful to have the RAM Mount X-Grip Universal Cell Phone Holder, mounts my Droid Thunderbolt smart phone onto my handle bars. The X-Grip allows me to view the trail map while I'm riding.

As much as I like the X-Grip, it has a big flaw: whenever I hit a nasty bump on the bike path,  there is a decent chance the spring-loaded X-Grip will let go of my cell phone.  This happened 3 times within the first week of using the X-Grip!  The first time the X-Grip dropped my phone, I didn't even realize what had happened.  I just heard something drop behind me.  Suddenly I realized my phone was gone so I turned around.  Imagine if I hadn't heard that dropping sound, though!  

My Otterbox-encased
Droid Thunderbolt
mounted on to my X-Grip.

The second time the X-Grip dropped my phone, I could see it hurdling through the dirt.  The third time it happened was about 10 minutes after the second time it happened.  There will not be a fourth time!

Fortunately, my phone is in an Otterbox, a protective case that prevented my phone from total annihilation. The sim card did slip out of its slot- so I couldn't make any phone calls till I took my phone apart and fixed it.

This rubberband that ensures my RAM X-Grip won't
drop my phone again!

I am thankful my Otterbox protected my phone from utter destruction. However,  this entry is not about the Otterbox. It's about my solution to the X-Grip's shortcomings: To keep my phone securely attached to the X-Grip, I have been using a rubber band.  That's right: I spent $50 on RAM's mounting system, but a two-penny rubber band is what keeps my Droid securely fastened to my bike!  

So, here are 3 Things I am Thankful For because of That Rubber Band!

1. First off, it keeps my Droid mounted to my bike!

Before I started using the rubber band to supplement my X-Grip, my Droid fell off my bike 3 times.  Since I started using the rubber band, it hasn't fallen off once.  

This week- since using the rubberband- a pedestrian ran out right in front of me and I had to swerve to avoid running over her.  I swerved off the path, hit a bunch of tree roots and the X-Grip almost dropped my phone again. Even with the rubberband, the phone almost came out.  It came half way out.  It would have come all the way out, but the rubberband held it in place. Without the rubberband, my Droid would have definitely dropped.

I am thankful my rubberband is more reliable than my X-Grip!

2. When I get off my bike, I can use the rubberband to shoot somebody.

If another lady cuts me off and forces me off the trail, I can stop the bike, put my phone in my back pack, then bike up behind her and shoot the rubberband at the back of her head, execution style.  

Then, I can pick the rubberband back up, reattach it and my phone to my X-Grip and merrily ride off into the sunset.

3. I can use a rubberband to hold just about anything in place!

If I shoot a lady with a rubberband, she might come after me. What if she lunges at me and I fall off my bike, down a hill, through the Farmer Jenkins's thorn patch, over the river, through the woods, through Grandma's house and into some more tree roots?  Owie!  If all that happens, a rubberband can hold gauze onto my tree root wounds!  Thanks, rubberband!

RAM Mount Universal X-Grip Cell Phone Holder

RAM Mount
Universal X-Grip
Cell Phone Holder

Hi!  I'm Jake!

In my previous blog entry, I wrote about how I have been cycling again lately. To keep track of my miles-per-hour, overall miles, and my route, I have been using a Droid app, MapMyRide.

I went riding with one of my buddies a few months ago and he has a bike mount for his i-Pod.  So I can view the MapMyRide trail map while I'm riding, I wanted something similar for my Droid. Using Amazon.com, I found the RAM Mount Universal X-Grip Cell Phone Holder.

RAM Mount
Aluminum Short Dual
1.0 inch Socket Arm

I got the RAM Mount Universal X-Grip Cell Phone Holder, the RAM Mount Aluminum Short Dual 1.0 inch Socket Arm, and the RAM Mount Zinc Coated U-Bolt Base w/1" Ball.  The entire order cost me about $55.

I was extremely excited when I received the package containing all 3 of these items.  However, upon opening my parcel, I realized the shippers didn't send any installation instructions.  Each component came with a plastic baggy and a brochure to buy more parts.  So, I had instructions on how I could get more parts, but not instructions on how to use the parts I already had! Nevertheless, using a screw driver and my manly intuition, I installed the mounting system on my bike in about 5 minutes.

RAM Mount
Zinc Coated
U-Bolt Base w/1" Ball

I have taken the RAM mounting system out for several rides and for the most part, it has worked great! Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because of my RAM Mount Universal X-Grip Cell Phone Holder!

1. While cycling, I can easily read my cell phone's display.
With my phone mounted right on my bike, I can look down at my handlebars and easily view all my stats (miles per hour, miles traveled, top speed).  I can read the MapMyRide map so I know where I am and how to get back.

I can even see if someone is calling me. So far that hasn't happened yet.  But when I get some friends and they call me, I can brag to them that I am exercising.  Bragging always makes me feel thankful!

2. I can quickly mount my phone on my bike- and take it off again!
The way the X-Grip works is 4 spring-loaded arms clasp around the phone, holding it in place.  To mount the phone, I squeeze 2 of the arms together, slide the phone right in, and let go.

To remove the phone, all I have to do is squeeze the arms together and grab the phone. Another way to remove the phone is to hit a big-ol' bump in the road.  The phone will fall out on the trail behind you- so you can double back and get a little extra exercise!  I'm always thankful for extra exercise!

3. The X-grip cradle can also easily be taken off my bike and used with other RAM mounts.
One other really cool thing about the X-Grip is I don't have to use it with the other components shown above.  RAM makes a windshield suction cup that, along with the RAM Mount Aluminum Short Dual 1.0 inch Socket Arm, allows you to mount the X-Grip in your car!

With my phone mounted in my car, I can view the Google Navigator app, see who is calling me, or even watch Netflix!  Sure, I watch Netflix a bunch in my car already, but now I can do it safely!  I am thankful for that!  Yay!

MapMyRide!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

Because of my big ol' Texas gut, you haven't heard from me for about a week.  See, I am tired of my gut so when I finally found a decent bike trail here in Austin, I started riding about an 60-90 minutes per day. It feels great!

To help monitor my exercise progress, I am using a GPS-based Droid app called MapMyRide.  It's pretty handy.  Here are #3ThingsIamThankfulFor because of MapMyRide!

1. MapMyRide Informs The Crap Out Of Me!

Back when I lived in Denver, I used to bike 30 miles per day, at least 3 times per week. I was really fit.  At my peak, I was biking around 15.5 miles per hour. 

I'd bike a lot faster if all you poky
chumps got out of the way!

When I started biking again about a week-and-a-half ago, I had no idea how fast I was going.  All I knew is that the only bike path I have found so far is also a pedestrian path.  It's cluttered with meandering pedestrians who walk slowly, with all their friends. They are chunky, trodding obstructions, who hog the whole width of the path. If the bike/pedestrian path is a urethra, they are the gall stone clogging up the works.  Regardless of how many times I call out "On your left!" they don't move out of the way till I just about run them over.  Get out of the way, jerks!  It's for your safety!

I almost got in 2 accidents on Friday!  Do you want me to run over you and your baby?  Get out of the way, dimples!

Because of all the pedestrians, I know I am not hitting my target speed of 15 miles per hour.  However, that's not very accurate information.  That's just a good guess based on fat people. MapMyRide tells me I am averaging about 13 miles per hour and my top speed was 30 miles per hour.  That 30 miles per hour must have been downhill!  

MapMyRide also tells me:

• How many how many total miles I've biked.
• How many minutes I have biked.
• How many calories I've burned, so I know how much ice cream I can eat. 
• What day it is.  That's important information!

I am thankful for the information.  It is way more accurate than my guesses and hopes.  Now, get out of the way, you mosying pedestrians!

2. MapMyRide shows me a map of my ride.

MapMyRide even displays a map of each ride.  It shows me exactly which route I took.

This is important because every time I ride, I vary my route slightly.  Combined with my speed statistics for each ride, eventually, I'll figure out which route I take allows me to go the fastest.  Another of way of saying that, I'll find out which path has the least meandering pedestrians. Hooray!  I'm thankful for that!

3. MapMyRide has an Auto Pause function.

The current routes I am using also go out into traffic a couple times. Traffic means I have to stop at red lights and/or stop for cars before I cross the road.  As soon as I stop moving, the Auto Pause function stops the clock.  Once I start moving again, it starts the clock again.  I am not really sure how that helps me, but I think I am thankful for that!

Grass!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

It's almost summertime.  Growing up, one of my favorite things about summer was running around barefoot with the other kids on the Fourth of July. I loved laying on the cool, refreshing grass, looking up at the sky, imagining what it would be like if my parents let me watch the fireworks.  Childhood was great!

Me and my pretty bride to be.

Last night, I went to Austin's Blues on the Green with my lady.  As we traversed Zilker Park to get closer to the music, some chick looked back, checked me out, and gave me a sexyface smile.  Callie was like "Hey! Keep off my man!"  That was cool.

We met up with a couple of my couchsurfing friends to hear a few bands play the "blues."  It wasn't really the blues.  It was just a bunch of white guys singing about how they have a new CD for sale at the merch table. But it was nice listening to music outside.  We ate veggie burgers, and chips and guacamole.  I got a couple nice pictures with my lady. That all happened while we sat on the grass.  Thanks, grass!

Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because Grass:

1. Mowing the lawn is therapeutic.

I used to hate mowing the lawn.  It was a chore.  Eventually, I realized its potential to put my mind at ease. Mowing the lawn is relaxing. It's orderly. You have a simple task.  You go back and forth, clipping every lane of grass until it is done.  That's what makes mowing the lawn so great: Many tasks in my life are ongoing, constantly unfinished- but you either finished mowing the lawn or you didn't.  You either clipped that little grass mohawk by the elm trees or you didn't.  Either you whacked all the weeds with your weedwhacker or you didn't.  Either you ran over than tennis ball and it made a cool sound or you didn't. The point is, when you mow the lawn, there is no room for interpretation: You are either done or you are either not done. 

When you are done, you have a sense of accomplishment more rewarding than North Carolina corn pudding!  I'm thankful for that.  I'd also like some corn pudding.

2. You can put grass in your pants!

When I was a child, my cul de sac neighbors, John and Rocky made me put grass in my onesy feeted pajamas.  They were so funny.  I looked like a scarecrow!  That was silly!  John and Rocky always made the neighbor kids do crazy things. One of them is now in jail.  Guess which one!

Anyway, grass brought the Bristlecone Place cul de sac kids together.  I'm thankful for that!

3. Grass is a source of life.

I have done about a hundred video shoots for the National Cattlemen's Beef Association and various other agricultural entities.  I have video taped cattle in all of their natural environments, including:

053112 maneatscoweatsgrass by Jake Sharon

• the farm pasture
• the ranch
• natural grasslands
• the feedyard

In most of these places, the cattle eat grass. That helps them become tasty cheeseburgers for my mouth. I have even eaten grass-fed cattleburgers- while sitting on the grass! I ate cattle as food while sitting on their food! That felt amazing. Go America!

Now, time to put a cloud on this glory. Imagine if cattle ate something besides grass?  What if they ate tasty cheeseburgers for my mouth? This whole cycle would be ruined.  Chaos. 

Thank India that's not the case.  Cows eat grass.  I sit on the grass. I eat cows. Life goes round.  Thanks, grass!

I Live In AUX, Not PDX

Hi!  I'm Jake!

As some of me may know, I live in Austin, Texas, not Portland, Oregon.  Both have artsy fartsy.  Both have food trucks.  Both claim to keep it weird.  Both are cool towns. However, according to my budget, I can only live in one place at a time.  Currently, that place is Austin.

Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because I Live In AUX, Not PDX:

1. AUX Has Authentic BBQ.
I really enjoyed the "I Like Thai" food truck I found when I worked in Portland a few weeks ago.  It was only $5 for a ton of food. The Thai iced tea was only another dollar.  I love Thai iced tea!  So delicious!

"053012 Oregon BBQ" by Jake Sharon

However, before I picked the "I Like Thai" food truck, I passed about 20 other food trucks, including an "authentic Texas BBQ" food truck.  Granted, I didn't give that truck a chance- that's because I'm not stupid!  I eat Texas bbq all the time.  I wouldn't say I'm a bbq connoisseur, but I have eaten "Texas brisket" in other states and I have been burned!  I went to 12 Bones in Asheville, North Carolina.  That place makes a mean plate of pork.  They know NC bbq as well as anybody.  Their corn pudding is more rewarding than having a sense of accomplishment.  Their jalapeno cheese grits will rock your world like a fat chick fight.  However, even though they rock NC bbq, they made me a plate of brisket that had the flavor and consistency of shoe leather.

My point is 12 Bones will rock your hippie flip flops off with their delectable North Carolina bbq.  It's the best!  Yet, these bbq masters failed making Texas brisket. They absolutely failed.  So, do you think for one second I'm dumb enough to let some weed smoking, hipster Oregonians sell me their version of Texas bbq?  Think again.  

I am smart enough to know that you don't order sushi in Texas.  That's not not their specialty.  You don't get gumbo in Maine.  You don't get soul food from Albuquerque.  You don't eat Mexican in Boston.  You don't buy maple syrup from a midget. You sure as shrimp don't order brisket in Portland!

In short, I ate at Rudy's BBQ 3 times in the past week. I have eaten over 2 pounds of meat and several cups of creamed corn- made with real cream!  I am thankful for that!

2. Blow Your Mind With Barrels, Not Pipes.
In Portland, they have amazing weed.  No one can deny that. There was a time when that was important to me. However, in Austin -and pretty much anywhere in Texas- we have amazing gun laws!  Smoking weed may have calmed me down, but going to the gun range for several hours and improving my accuracy gives me a sense of accomplishment.  That's almost as rewarding as 12 Bones' corn pudding!

Sure, weed may have helped inspire me to paint some great paintings, but I never felt accomplished by merely smoking weed.  By the end of the day at the gun range, I feel calm because:

• My breathing is more controlled, relaxed.
• With controlled stance, breathing, and self awareness, you get focus- something that doesn't come naturally to me.
• My groupings are tighter and I am hitting more bullseyes- so I have made measurable progress.
• Most importantly, after a day at the range, because of my improved ability, I feel more empowered to protect my lady.  She deserves that.  It makes me feel good, too.  

So, I just outlined 4 more things I'm thankful for within the 3 things I am thankful for today.  There is a lot of thankfulness going around!  The point is I am thankful I live in a state that encourages responsible gun use instead of tempting me with drug use.  By the way, they still have drugs here; they just aren't as good.  Just ask Portland about that!


3. There Is A Direct Flight That Goes Between Both Towns.
I really do love Austin. It's great!  My fiancee and I spent a bunch of time the past couple days looking for a job, a horse stable, and a gym so when she moves here we can both be really happy. All this exploring is showing us just how great Austin truly is.

However, I got to explore Portland a bunch when I worked at Harvey's Comedy Club a couple weeks ago.  I know it is a great town too.  Harvey's was fun. Voodoo Doughnuts was delicious! I Like Thai was incredible.  Southwest Airlines, also one of my favorites, has a direct flight between the 2 cities.  So, even though I live in Austin, I am only a few hours away from Portland.  I am really thankful for that!