Happy New Year!
It's 2013. Yay! The 2012 Apocalypse doesn't seem to have started! I'm still here. That is nice. I was kind of worried about that.
Here are #3ThingsIAmThankfulFor because the Apocalypse Did Not Start Yet:
1. I still owe a lot of people money.
I owe about $30,000! If I die in a hell-purge lava burst before paying all that money back, my credit score will go to crap! I can't have that! But I'm alive so I still have a chance to pay it back. I'm soooo thankful for that!
2. Colorado is cooler now.
Colorado just passed its marijuana legalization bill. If the world ended before anybody could enjoy it, that would be so Republican! What a loophole! "Marijuana is legal, but you've been vaporized too. Enjoy."
I'm not saying I am going to smoke weed, but on behalf of my Colorado friends, I am thankful I got to see the government loosen up a tiny bit.
3. We can finally admit how stupid the Mayans were.
Seriously. Those guys have been dead for a very long time. We can finally stop caring about their stupid, failed calendar business!
I mean these guys were idiots! We are talking about a population that strapped devices in front of girls' noses so they would grow up cross-eyed- on purpose! They did this on purpose! They made their girls cross-eyed on purpose! So, who gives a crap about their dumb calendars! The Mayans were idiots! They didn't even have spoons!
My credit score is going to get better (probably). Mayans are dumb. Weed is legal. None of this stuff would matter if the apocalypse happened.
Here is a marijuana calendar. It's way better than the Mayan calendar cause it is still going...
Bye! I'm Jake!
P.S. Check out this old video of me when I was first starting to do comedy....