Saturday, March 31, 2012

Gabbie King

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I just read a story that is both horrifying & inspiring.  An 11-year-old girl in Dallas Texas had a brain tumor that doctors were able to pull out of her nose. Click on this link to read the news story. 

It's horrifying to think a young kid would have a life-threatening tumor.  It's horrifying to have anything- let alone a tumor- pulled from your nose.

However, I am inspired because society is at a point where our technology allows us to fix that problem.  I'm inspired at the strength of Gabbie King, the young girl who survived the tumor.  She is alive & well.  I'm thankful for that.

Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For about Gabbie King:

1. My problems seem miniscule in comparison.
As a comedian I am responsible for writing my act, performing my act, getting clubs & bookers to book me, tweeting, blogging, podcasting, making merchandise, arranging transportation, filing my taxes, creating my promo pack, maintaining my promo pack, & many other jobs.  Plus, I have to be funny.

All that stuff can stress me out.  Sometimes, I find myself  on the road, alone in a hotel, wishing I could be anywhere else, wishing my career was in a better place too.

But when I read about Gabbie King, an 11-year-old who survived a tumor operation, I realized I need to be thankful I even have the opportunity to do my shows.  I am alive & healthy-ish.  I have a gut.  I don't exercise.  But other than that, I have the opportunity to work hard & make something of myself.  I am thankful for that.

2. Gabbie makes me value my time.
Somebody smart once said we each have the same 24 hours each day.  Of course, I am paraphrasing, misquoting, & not even citing the misquote.

The point is though, some of us have more 24 hour days than others. We need to recognize the clock is ticking.  You could be gone tomorrow, so do your best today.  I'm glad you are here today, Gabbie.  I am thankful I am here, too.  I often take my time for granted, but not today.  Thanks.

3. I'm thankful modern day technology allows me to hear Gabbie's story.
In olden tymes, I might not have heard about Gabbie's story for years- if ever.  But, thanks to the internet, we can all read about her. I'm thankful for that.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Super Smfart Topic

Hi!  I'm Jake!

Yesterday, I rode back across North Dakota. Tonight & tomorrow, I perform in LaCrosse, Wisconsin. When you're stuck in a car, eating road food for 8 hours, you're bound to have a fart or 2.  Yes, this is a very high brow blog entry.  If you're a comedy snob, you might as well come back tomorrow.  This entry won't blow your mind- unless your mind is a fart.  I have been blowing a lot of those lately.

Anyway, I had a bunch of car farts yesterday- & that's a good thing!  So here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For about farts:

1. Farts are a warning.
When I hear or smell a fart, I know somebody is about to be super-uptight. Their butt is warning us. It's time for some business!

So I give them a wide berth.   I don't ask them math questions.  I certainly don't ask them their opinions about the stupid carpet.  I don't punch their gut for a fun little goof either. I make a path. I get out of their way so they can go push one out.  

After their brownout, they are always more relaxed.  That's the perfect time to ask them for a favor. Because they are thankful I didn't push their buttons, pre-poop, they are more likely to give me what I want, post-poop.

2. Farts ensure we don't blow up!
It's simple science.  Farts release gas from our bodies so we don't explode.  Pigeons explode because they can't fart.  That's why we feed them rice.  As fun as that is, though, that is dangerous for people.  So, really, farting prevents danger.  I'm thankful for that.

3. Farts weed out uptight snobs.
Yes, it's true: there are plenty of mature topics I can write about. I could explore the worlds of literature, science, math, current events, Canada, or my own personal life to find new truths.

Or, I could sit here at my continental breakfast, relax & spend 15 minutes of my morning thinking about something I love, a stinky smell that offends the family sitting next to me.  This is beautiful.  At that moment, those family members- & everyone in my fart epicenter- feels the exact same way.  They are connected.

Isn't a personal connection between family members at a meal more valuable than the opinions of comedy critics who are too fancy for farts?  I think it is.  I'm thankful for that.  So go out in public & fart next to a family!  Make a baby cry!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

I Am Driven Like Miss Daisy

Hi! I'm Jake!

This week, I'm working the Northern Plains, including North Dakota, Minnesota, & Wisconsin. Fun times. Ranging from mullets to bad sweaters to lipsticked Virginia Slims to obesity, each place has their own sense of fashion. Great people! I'm thankful for that.

I am also thankful because I'm traveling with a really fun comedian- & he is doing all the driving! Yay!  When you don't have to drive, that's when you know you've made it. Actually, that's not true.  That might also mean you just have a DUI.

Anyway, here are 3 Things I'm Thankful For because I Am Being Driven like Miss Daisy:

1. I can do other things instead of driving.
When I'm not driving, I can do other things like eat, drive, write jokes, tweet & sleep. I have done all those things while driving, but they are all way easier to do when I'm not- especially sleeping.

2. I get to hear new music.
When I drive, I play my music. That's what's in my car, so that's what I play. When somebody else drives, we listen to their music. Today, we listened to The Roots, an R&B mix, & a whole bunch of jazz I'd never heard before. I'm thankful because I got to hear music I might not have heard otherwise. I was exposed to culture!  Yay! Exposure to culture is always a good thing- unless you are at a doctor's office. Strep cultures are sick!

More importantly, the other comedian is thankful because he doesn't have to hear my music. When I do long drives in my car, we listen to music that keeps me awake- like Autechre, Black Lung, Venetian Snares, & other IDM*. My former roommate, Elliot Woolsey said that my music sounds like robots humping each other- badly. 

So, to all you features out there, unless you want to hear robot hump music, offer to drive. You'll be thankful you did.

3. No wear & tear on my vehicle.
My Honda has 248,000+ miles.  It's 13 years old.  I get 12 oil changes, a new set of tires, & at least 1 majore repair every year. I can barely afford those things- let alone a new car!  Wear & tear is expensive.  I pay about a thousand dollars on it every year. That wears & tears the inside of my bum bum!

So, I am thankful somebody else (who is making less money than me) can enjoy those expenses instead!  Thanks, sucker!  Wear & tear this!

Monday, March 26, 2012

I Don't Travel by Wagon Train

Hi! I'm Jake!

If you don't know, I am a full-time stand-up comedian. I get by on the skin of my teeth. Right now, I have a weird bug bite. Sometimes, comedians get weird bug bites. This one is itchy.

I travel a lot, though. At the moment, I am in High Point, North Carolina. Tonight, I'll be in Minneapolis.Tomorrow, I have a gig in Dickinson, North Dakota. Later this week, LaCrosse, Wisconsin & St. Paul, Minnesota. Then, North Carolina, then Texas. Today, I'm thankful I travel by plane & car, but not by wagon train.

So, here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because I don't travel by wagon train:

1. Modern travel is way faster!
I am taking 2 travel days to get from North Carolina to North Dakota.  In olden tymes, that would have taken 3 months!  Imagine wagoning all that way, then actually seeing North Dakota.  You pretty much have to blow your whole wad to take that long of a trip.  You spend all your money, use up all your vacation days.  Then you're stuck there. No turning back.  So you have to live there.

All I am saying is I am thankful that I have the time & means to go there, enjoy the show, then drive & fly to anywhere else.  

NOTE:  If you live in North Dakota, I do like you.  You guys just need to work on the scenery.  It looks like God spent 7 days on the rest of the planet, but in North Dakota, he quit on day 3.

2. Different diseases.
Back in the day, travelers could get gout, dysentery, or a plethora of urethra diseases. The only way to feel better, was to ride it out, or trade enough pelts to get a tonic from a greasy charlatan. Now, you might get diarrhea because you didn't wash your hands. But you can get Immodium at any gas station or airport news stand. I have been thankful for that on many occasions! I never wash my hands!

3. Construction zones suck, but they could be worse!
It's true: construction zones slow you down.  If you drive through Arkansas, you actually go as slow as a wagon train!  Seriously!  One time, I sat there in Arkansas- at a dead stop- for AN HOUR!  I got out of the car, walked in the woods, took a pee, wrote a novel, then came back & waited for traffic to start back again.

Nevertheless, in olden tymes, they didn't have construction zones; they had dirt roads (just like Arkansas) & the wagons rutted the roads.  Wagon ruts bring you to a dead stop too- but you're the one who has to come out & fix the road!  If I had to fix the road, that would quite literally take forever!  I'm thankful I don't have to do that! I bet you are thankful too.
I guess the only reason I would have ever wanted to travel by wagon train is maybe my name would be in the Oregon Trail game.  Then, I'd be thankful because I'd have an actual credit for my comedy career!

Well, gotta go! As always, I'm thankful because you read my blog.  Now, who wants to scratch me?

Bye!  I'm Jake!

Friday, March 23, 2012

Welcome Disgrace!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

Lately, I have been reading Lao Tzu's Tao Te Ching.  Great book.  Ancient Chinese philosophy.  I started reading it in 2004.  I am on page 13. I am thankful I can read!

Today's entry is based on page 13:

"Welcome disgrace as a pleasant surprise.
Prize calamities as your own body.

Why should we 'welcome disgrace as a pleasant surprise?' 
Because a lowly state is a boon.
And so is losing it!
That is why we should 'welcome disgrace as a pleasant surprise.'

Why should we 'prize calamities as our own body?'
Because our body is the very source of our calamities.
If we have no body, what calamities can we have?

Hence, only he who is willing to give his body for the sake of the world is fit to be entrusted with it.
Only he who can do it with love is worthy of being the steward of the world."

I'm going to focus on the first part, specifically "a lowly state is a boon."  Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because of my lowly state.

1. Charities Don't Ask Me For Money.
This is pretty self-explanatory.  Besides my alma mater, Hastings College, & homeless people nobody ever asks me for donations.  I am below the poverty line. Charities know they should be giving me money.

As far as my college goes, about once a year, Hastings College pays 1 of their students to call all HC alumni & ask for donations for scholarships, remodeling, etc.  I always tell them "I graduated in 2000.  Twelve years later & I am still paying off my student loans.  I still owe $8,000! So, I can't give you money, but I can save you 80 grand. Just drop out."

Anyway, besides my school, nobody really pesters me for money.  I am thankful for that.

2. Poor People Get Unemployment Benefits.
Right after September 11, the economy took a dump & I got laid off.  I went on unemployment for a year. I got paid $300 a week in benefits.  That whole year, I smoked weed & played video games.  You can make the system work for you! I am thankful for that.

3. "A Lowly State is a Boon. So is Losing it!"
I can't possibly be poor forever! One day, I'll either have enough money to pay back my creditors or I'll die without paying them back.  So, either way, no reason to stress over my debt. I am thankful for that.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Country Tyme Living

Hi! I'm Jake!

My girlfriend, Callie is an avid equestrian. Every time I come to Asheville to visit her, I can count on driving her to the country at least twice a week so she can ride her horse, Harbor Star. It costs me about $15 per week in gas- but that's a small price to pay to see her happy.

We're actually at the farm right now. She is prepping Harbor for their ride. Callie's roommate's dog, Titan, is running around, sniffing & peeing on everything.

Anyway, Callie & Titan are having fun on the farm. Here are 3 things I'm thankful for while I'm sitting in the country:

1. It's oh so quiet.
It's so quiet here that I can't hear anybody, & nobody can hear me. Huh. I could pretty much do whatever I want out here & nobody could stop me. Let me know if you ever want to take a Jake ride out to the country!

The country is peaceful & free. It's a great place to let your mind wander & think of all the possibilities.  You can read, imagine, write, or just look.  Plus, it's a peaceful place to shoot guns. Note: I'm not supposed to shoot while Callie rides. Harbor's a bucker!

The quiet helps me clear my brain. I'm thankful for that!

2. My girlfriend gets a release.
Callie loves coming to the country. When she rides, she gets all kinds of exercise. Riding always makes her super proud of her butt! I'm proud of her butt too! Good job Callie!

Plus, Callie is a very skilled rider. That's partly because she has this uncanny ability to bond with animals. Next time we have an apocalypse, I'm taking her to the zoo so she can build us an animal army. 

Most importantly, riding helps Callie good. She feels fulfilled. This is how she clears her mind. Callie told me today "If I ever get bitchy, take me to ride Harbor." Good to know! I'm thankful for that knowledge!  It may come in handy someday.

3. Bugs love the country.
Bugs love the country.  There is a bunch of stuff they can eat & play with there.  Good.  Bugs should stay in the country.

I am all about equal rights- except for bugs.  When it comes to bugs, I totally believe in segregation.  We should have our drinking fountains & they should have theirs- out in the country! Bugs & people don't mix. I don't want my kids going to schools with bugs! You gotta keep em separated! I am thankful they know their place, & I am thankful it is far away from where I live.

I will say this, though: when I was out in the country, I was outnumbered.  There were a lot of bugs there. They were judging me, staring me down. Callie, Titan & I left. I didn't want any trouble.  I'm thankful I got out of there without getting bit!

Well, I'm off to spread some more positivity.  If you'd like to hear some of it, check out my podcast, The Battery Podcast.  This week's episode was awesome!

Thanks for reading!
Bye! I'm Jake!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Shoes make a difference.

Hi!  I'm Jake!

Last Thursday, I walked 3 or 4 miles.  That's a not a big deal. As an avid Coloradan hiker, I have done that many times in the past.  I have even climbed Longs Peak, which is over 14,000 feet tall. That hike is about 16 miles round trip.  So, a 3 mile stroll in Asheville, North Carolina is truly not a big deal.  However, if I didn't have shoes, 3 to 4 miles would suck!

So, here are 3 things I am thankful for about shoes:

1. Protection from road hazards.
The road is full of hazards including broken bottles, syringes, gum, & all kinds of unsanitary hazards that teenagers discard.  When I walk outside barefoot, I am subject to laceration, puncture wounds, infection, & gum.  Not cool.  However, with my shoes on, my feet are impervious to all these potential sources of hepatitis!  I am thankful for that!

Furthermore, when combined with socks, shoes drastically reduce the likelihood of foot blisters.  Don't fuss with pus!  Get some shoes!

So, I am thankful my feet aren't all cut up, infected, & pus-sy.  I truly am.  Pus, germs, & blood are not for me!

2. Sneak up on people easier.
Shoes help you sneak up on people.  My girlfriend Callie pointed out that when you are at home, you can walk around barefoot & sneak up on each other.  If you are in a dark alley somewhere, though, & you are trying to step around the aforementioned hazards, you will not be sneaky at all!  I curse when I stub my toe.  Imagine the sounds I'll make when I tetanus my heel with a rusty nail!  Yowzer!  You can't sneak up on a crackhead that way!

3. Torture your pal- for cheap!
My girlfriend Callie came up with this one.  If you have a stinky shoe, you could shove somebody's face in it.  Give them a good stink!  You'll both have a good laugh.

Plus, a stinky shoe can help you get important answers. Oh yes, Mr. Owl! You will tell me how many licks it takes to get to the center of that Tootsie Pop!  It's either the shoe or the truth!  Which is it going to be?!

Monday, March 19, 2012

Stink is a Warning

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I just got done running around with my girlfriend's roommate's dog, Titan.  Now I'm all sweaty. Antiperspirant commercials would lead you to believe sweat is bad, but I am extremely grateful that I sweat.  Here are 3 reasons I am thankful for sweat:

1. Sweat Cools You Off.

I'm from Colorado. To me, there's nothing better than hiking up a mountain, working up a sweat, then having a refreshing, dry breeze cool you off. You get exercise. You get endorphins. You get the view of the Rockies.  The sweat evaporating off your body refreshes & invigorates you. I am thankful for that.

To simulate this effect at home, have someone breathe their hot sweaty breath on your neck, then walk in front of the fan.

Note: Make sure that person's breath doesn't smell like cheese.  The Rockies don't smell like cheese! I am thankful for that as well.

2. Sweating Cleans Out Your System.

According to some webpage that might be full of crap, sweat cleans your system by releasing toxins through your pores. So, if you have to pass a drug test, drink a bunch of water and run around a lot. Go play frisbee or something. Maybe run from the cops!  Get motivated!  The chemicals will pass right through you. You'll be thankful because you got some exercise, & because you didn't get cornholed in prison.

As for me personally, my girlfriend & I eat a ton of ice cream.  I also drink 8- 9 cups of tea per day.  My body does not need all these extra chemicals. My tea pee carries a lot of the chemicals out, but according to my hyperactivity, I still keep a bunch in my system. So, running around with the dog, hula hooping, riding my bike, yoga, & any other activity that works up a sweat helps me relax again.  I feel even better if I shower afterwards!  I rinse all those toxins off my stinky body. You guys are thankful when I shower too.  When I sweat, I smell awful!

3. Stink is a Warning.

That brings us to our final thingy.  When I sweat, the smell can actually tell you what I've been up to.
  • Exercise sweat smells okay. I smell healthy. I feel good. Let me shower, get a drink of water, & let's go make some good choices together.
  • Nad sweat means I just need to shower. Maybe I just went for a long walk on a hot day. I probably feel pretty good.  It's kind of like exercise sweat. However, I get self-conscious about nad sweat, so I won't be very conversational. You might want to keep idle chat to a minimum so I can go wash up.  Then I'll come back & listen to anything you want to say about Moliere or the different kind of ducks or whatever.
  • Too much tea sweat smells like I work in a plastic factory. If I smell like that, it's possible I am still a little keyed up. You might want to give me some space, & avoid discussions about religion, politics, or Primus.  I'll have a lot to say and you won't get a word in edgewise.  I'm also due for a crash. At that point, I still stink, but the rush is gone & I'm about to be argumentative & curt.
  • Too much sugar on a hot day sweat smells like tea sweat, but I'll itch my skin too. Leave me alone. I might be fine now, but soon, I'll be super irritable- & super stinky.
  • Ate-a-bunch-of-greasy-food-then-woke-up-from-a-nap sweat? See Too much sugar on a hot day sweat.  I feel about the same- plus my breath is usually really bad.  Maybe my pits smell like onions too.  Bonus!
Anyway, I emit a whole bunch of other stinks.  I'm thankful that you can smell them & quickly guess my mood. I'm also thankful you can't smell me right now.  

Well, I'm thankful you have read my blog today.  Tomorrow's blog entry will most like come in the afternoon.  I have a Kundalini yoga class in the morning.  Then I'll put out another episode of The Battery Podcast.  I'll do some writing for my stand-up comedy act, then another blog entry.  

Cool. Until tomorrow, have a great day & be thankful you can't smell me right now!

Bye! I'm Jake!

P.S.  Right now, it's more or less a nad sweat.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

A Man's Girlfriend's Best Friend

Hi! I'm Jake!
Titan & my girlfriend, Callie
I drove back to Asheville, North Carolina today. My girlfriend, Callie has a really playful husky named Titan. Actually, it's her roommate's dog. So, my girlfriend, Callie's roommate has a really playful husky named Titan. Well, I just burned a paragraph trying to tell you 1 thing!

Anyway, I love that dog! He's a total spaz. We chase each other around like a couple of idiots.

Here are 3 things about that lunatic dog that I am thankful for:

1. Titan Rarely Poops in the House. 

This is super important. When dogs poop in the house, it's usually in an inconvenient spot.  Realizing this, Titan politely saves his dookie for the neighborhood bushes.
Moreover, he always manages to excrete discreetly, when nobody else is around to judge me for not picking up his waste. Thanks, Titan!

Note: Even when Titan does poop in the house, his turds are generally solid, so they are easy for somebody else to pick up.

2. Titan Has a Built-in Conversation Starter.

Whenever Callie throws a party, Titan is a good conversation starter.
He just has to raise his tail. He has a weird BH.
Titan's Weird BH.

Look at this. Isn't it weird? Let's have a conversation about it! It kind of looks like a diamond, a dirty diamond.

3. Titan Helps Me Get Great Exercise!

Over the past few months, I have gained about 20 pounds. I have been pigging out ever since Thanksgiving. Callie & I went to a whole bunch of holiday parties over Christmas.  We eat ice cream several times each week.  Plus, I'm in the South where everybody drinks sweet tea.

Furthermore, constantly being on the road had derailed every workout program I've ever started. Since Thanksgiving, I also haven't exercised for more than 2 hours (total).

Fortunately, Titan needs a daily BM walk. That gives me about 10 minutes of exercise. If I am feeling really frisky, I'll run for half a block. He loves that.

He also loves playing tag. We chase each other around the apartment until we're both winded. I don't know if that's part of P90-X, but it kicks my butt just the same.

So, I am thankful that Titan has become my workout partner. I've never let a workout partner lick my face before! I hope to make that an ongoing thing with all my future workout partners.

We'll, this is my second entry in this blog. I'm glad I wrote about my friend. I feel better.
See you tomorrow!
Bye! I'm Jake!

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Thanks for the Stockpile!

Hi!  I'm Jake! .

This is my first entry in this blog. I also have another blog called The JAKEISFANTASTIC Blog . This blog is way more positive.

This week, I am doing shows at the Vaudeville, Cafe in Chattanooga, Tennessee.  I am thankful because they put us up in a great hotel. I am currently sitting here shirtless. So, here are 3 things I am thankful for, related to the hotel.

1. Hotel Shampoo
I'm a road comic, constantly staying in hotels across the country. Every hotel has complimentary shampoo.   That means I get a ton of free shampoo! I always use finish each shampoo bottle before moving on to the next one.  So, if I'm at a hotel & I'm still working on a previous bottle, I add the new bottle to my stockpile.  I haven't bought shampoo since 2007!  I clean my hair for free! Thanks hotels!

2. Hotel Cleaning Crews
I save a lot of money by doing my own haircuts. However, I am not a big fan of cleaning the bathroom afterwards.  My bushy bushy hair gets everywhere! So, whenever I am staying in a hotel, I take the opportunity to cut my hair there.  Thanks for cleaning it up, cleaning ladies!  As long as I get a gig with a hotel every couple of weeks, I am good to go!

3. Continental Breakfast
Continental breakfasts typically consist of cereal, doughnuts, bagels, & fruit. If you're lucky, you occasionally get biscuits & gravy and/or the make-em-yourself waffles.  So, continental breakfasts are a great way to get your month's worth of carbs.  If your body weight is low, stay in a hotel for a week.  You'll be fat in no time.  Thanks for the diabetes, continental breakfasts!

Thanks for reading. This is a daily blog.  Come back tomorrow, & the next day, & the next day, & the next day, & the next day, & the next day, & the next day, & the next day, & the next day, & the next day, & the next day, & the next day.  

If you'd like to make any contributions to the blog, please hit me up.  All my info is at . Or, just leave a comment below.

Bye! I'm Jake!