Monday, April 30, 2012

It's Time Time

Hi! I'm Jake!

I haven't worn a watch in over 2 years.  Yet, I am constantly aware of time.  Each comedy set I do has to be a minimum amount of time- and they don't want me going over my time either.  I am 34-years-old- which means I have been alive for over 12,500 days!  How many days do I have left?

A time line is comprised of dots, moments in time connected to each other, before and after other moments.  If time didn't exist, if we just had one big circumstance where everything happened simultaneously, it would be chaos.

Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because Time Exists:

1. I don't think I could focus!

On a personal level, I have focus issues. If everything happened all at once, I wouldn't be able to juggle it.  I have to study for a test, simultaneously take the test, while graduating, getting married, going to my wife's funeral, watching my grandpa's birth, and watching the Discovery shuttle explode? I need a break!  

Unfortunately, I'd have to take that break at the same moment as everything else. Not much of a break.

I'm thankful we have time so I can space all those things out! Learn something new every day!

2. No time means no such thing as a slow dance.
I love my lady more than I have loved any lady.  She's amazing.  When we get married, I can't wait to slow dance with her. The thing is, without time, the word "slow" has no meaning.  Slow refers to speed. Speed is determined by distance over time.  No time means no speed. No time means no birth, no death, no change. Death of the present moment is what makes the present moment priceless. We'll never have that exact moment again.  

So, a slow dance with a loved one wouldn't be possible without time.  Time means I can die, but it also means I can have a priceless moment with my wife.  For that, I am thankful.

3. No time means gross body functions.

In the last entry, I told you I'd take the high brow back down to low brow.  So here you go! Having a timeline means better sex and better poops- but not at the same time!

Can you imagine taking every poop you have ever taken, are taking, and ever will take all at once?  That would be awful!  You'd be eating while taking those poops, too!

Sex would also be awful. Anybody having sex would be having sex with someone who is a baby, adult, old person, and dead person, all at once. I'm pretty sure that's illegal! I'm pretty sure that's gross too.

So, instead of geriatric pedophilia, love making at least has the potential to be beautiful.

Beautiful poops. Beautiful sex. I think we're all thankful for that.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

I Saw My Brother Yesterday

Hi!  I'm Jake!

Yesterday morning, I drove about 220 miles, from Austin to Grapevine, Texas. Last night, I drove back to Austin. 440 miles. 14 gallons of gas. I didn't have a gig.  I didn't make money.  I wasn't showcasing for a comedy club. It cost me about $60 in gas.

There was no profit- but I was truly rewarded! My brother Andy had a business conference in Grapevine that ended yesterday. I picked him up.  We ate waaay too much barbecue. We walked around Grapevine, Texas' downtown.  Tried to walk off all the food we just ate. We looked at a couple art galleries. We peered inside a log cabin that was relocated and preserved for tourists to examine. I hope they do that to my apartment someday.

It was just a nice day.  I hadn't seen my brother since Thanksgiving. I usually only see him once or twice a year.  So, it was a bonus that I got to see him in the state where I live.  Plus, he bought the barbecue!  You can't beat that!  Anyway, here are 3 Things I am Thankful For because I Saw My Brother Yesterday:

1. We got to share the joy of Texas barbecue!
We ate at Hard Eight, a barbecue joint I went to a couple years ago in Coppell.  I remembered the amazing menu. So, when my brother told me he was planning on coming to Texas, I immediately checked to see how far his hotel was from there.  Ten minutes, easily worth the drive. It would have been worth driving another 30 minutes.

My brother and I ate a pound of barbecue- each.  We had brisket- of course.  That's a Texas specialty. We had jalapeno sausage. We had bacon-wrapped shrimp. We each ate a pound of meat.  I told him ahead of time to make sure he was starving before we went there.  He was. Then we gorged. It was delicious.  We also each got creamed corn.  Texas creamed corn is different from that canned crap. In Texas, they use actual cream. It's so good! I had some beans too. Andy didn't have room.  I probably wouldn't have either, but I took a 5-minute break and made some room!

I didn't eat dinner last night. I barely ate breakfast today.  I am just now un-full.

My brother had never had Texas BBQ before.  He had Dickey's and barbecue from some of those other "Authentic BBQ" places.  But everybody who knows barbecue knows that Dickey's and pretty much any place in Colorado, Utah, Wyoming, Massachusetts, Washington State, etc. doesn't know jack about barbecue. So I got to see my brother have real barbecue for the first time. You just can't beat that. I'm thankful.

Plus, he paid.  I'm double thankful!

2. We had small talk and big talk.
Andy and I walked around Grapevine's downtown.  We had a few hours before his flight.  That was enough time to hang out, but not enough time to do an extensive activity.  So,  we walked off some of the barbecue.

We talked about a lot of things ranging from Hard Eight's amazing barbecue to the paintings we saw in the art galleries. There was a lot of cowboy art.  We saw a couple paintings of old-timey fighter jets.  Our dad would like those.  We saw a painting of popcorn.  That's more my mom's style. We saw some paintings we're surprised were even hanging on the wall. They weren't graphic or obscene, just maybe a little amateurish.  That's cool, though.  At least they're trying.  I've hung paintings that shouldn't have been in the public eye either.

Then I told him about the video I made when I proposed to my fiancee.  Just retelling that story makes me kind of emotional- and I am typically not very emotional!  It was cool to share such a happy moment with my brother.  I haven't really told too many of my family members about that moment yet. When she said yes, that was one of the happiest moments I have ever had. Sitting there in the shade telling my brother about it made me happy too.

Imagine if he hadn't flown into Texas yesterday?  Imagine if I was so tardy I just didn't come?  I have been that kind of a irresponsible letdown before.  I made it yesterday, though.  I am so glad I got to have that moment with my brother.  I'm thankful.

3. I'm far away from family and my fiancee.  Seeing people I love in Texas makes me feel more at home.
This subtitle is really all I have to say about this one.  I'm in a strange town.  I have met some really funny, really cool comedians. I do have some friends here.  However, I left a lot behind in Colorado.  My family is scattered across the country.  Now, I am too.  Even my fiancee is over a thousand miles away. I miss her daily. So, when a family member comes to my state and I get to see them, it makes me feel a little less alone. Maybe the world isn't so big after all.

I used to see Andy every day.  I took that for granted. I got to seem yesterday, though.  I am truly thankful for that.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Southwest Airlines Rocks!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

This year, I decided I will not drive all over the country just for the sake of doing road gigs. I decided I need to value my time better. I have spent too many hours behind the wheel, instead of in the club performing or at my desk writing jokes.  So, I decided to only take gigs that are either within an 8-hour drive or worth buying a flight.

A big motivator for me to quit driving and start flying more is the frequent flyer miles.  Honda doesn't give me frequent driver miles.  I don't get free gas from the gas stations either.  Every mile on the ground is a mile I pay for immediately at the pump and then again when my car needs work.  It's expensive. So I am flying more.

Part of this process has been finding convenient, inexpensive flights. This past year, I have flown with pretty much every major carrier at least once.  Most airlines have been great- except American Airlines. They can eat my cheese!

American Airlines prit'near screwed me when I missed a flight in February.  Their customer service lady misinformed me.  She told me because I missed my flight, I'd just have to buy a new one. She didn't tell me American had already re-booked me on a flight for the next day. She let me believe I was stranded in Boise without the means to get home.  So, no, they will not get the bulk of my service.  Click here to hear the story on The Battery Podcast.

Delta is cool, but it doesn't really go most of the places I travel.

United has great customer service and great prices.  When I was stranded in Boise, Gretchen Hess, a United Airlines agent, helped me figure out a solution.  She is great.  So is United. I will fly with them as often as possible.

However, I am choosing Southwest to be my main airline.  Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because Southwest Airlines Rocks!

1. Southwest allows 2 checked bags for FREE!
Most of the airlines charge between $25 and $35 per checked bag.  Southwest lets you check two bags for free.  This is crucial.

To afford my travel, I usually bring t-shirts to sell at the shows.  On one gig this year, American charged me $50 to bring my shirts round trip.  I was working a brand new comedy club, and the other comedian I was working with advertised FOUR different t-shirts from the stage!  It took like 10 minutes to hear all about his shirts! Holy crap!  It was a shirt show!  So, after the show, people quickly walked past us. I only sold $30 worth of shirts that week.  The point is, because of that dude and American Airlines' baggage fees, I lost money because I brought shirts! American Airlines took what I made- and then some!

With Southwest, I can bring two bags for free. If I don't sell shirts, I'll still have to carry around that heavy shirt bag, but I won't have to pay American Airlines to do so. I'm thankful for that!

2. No fee to change flights either.
I am pretty flighty. Get it?  Sometimes, though, after I book a flight, I have to change my flight. Most airlines charge a change fee.  Southwest does not.  This came in handy yesterday.

I have a Northwest trip coming up this week.  Check out my dates at I'm flying into SEA-TAC, doing two-and-a-half weeks at various venues, then I fly home from Portland.

I originally booked an evening flight home.  However, I fly back the day of the the Funniest Person In Austin contest finals. Just in case I made the finals, I switched my flight to an earlier flight. I figured I better do it while the prices were still low. When I changed my flight, Southwest only charged me for the difference in ticket price.  Nice!  American Airlines would have charged me $150 PLUS the change in fare.

By the way, I believe that is pretty consistent with most other airlines, too. As far as I know, Southwest is the only airline that doesn't charge you to change your flight.

Then, this week, when I got knocked out of the contest, I changed my flight again! I changed my flight to a later flight that cost $77 less than the previous ticket I purchased. American Airlines would have charged me $150 for each of these flight changes (a total of $450). Southwest Airlines gave me a $77 credit to use the next time I fly.  I am super-thankful for that!  Also, American Airlines, you suck!

3. My future father-in-law likes Southwest Airlines.
When I was in North Carolina a few weeks ago, My future father-in-law and I sat there talking about Southwest Airlines for about 20 minutes.  He regaled me with stories about the attractive stewardesses and free drinks of yesteryear.  We talked about the practicality of the free baggage, great routing, and great frequent flyer program they have now.

I'm new to this whole in-law thing.  I don't want to talk much politics or anything too racy just yet.  It was cool that we bonded over something as simple as which airline is the coolest.  I'm thankful for that. Thanks, Southwest!  Without you, I might have brought up which cheeses are my favorite.  That would have been titillating!  "Well, I used to like zweibel, but now I am more of a brie guy."  Even though that's a true statement, and I really feel like cheese right now, I'm glad I didn't show him how much of a cheese nerd I am- yet. Cheese?  Good topic, nerd!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Super Sweet Shredder!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I get a ton of junk mail.  I also write a lot and I don't want people digging through the trash reading my joke notes.  So, for long time, I used a paper shredder to destroy all my documents.  However, that broke.  So, when I lived in Denver, I just started using my Hobo Trash Can Fire.

Well, now I live in Texas, in an apartment complex that would freak the freak out if I started burning stuff on my patio.  So, lately I've been doing what I call toilet shredding.  I rip the papers up then flush em down the toilet!  Nobody will ever read those documents again!  However, this gets kind of tedious.  Plus, it's kind of weird when you do this in a hotel and you have to ask maintenance to come plunge your documents.

To destroy my documents, I've used fire and water.  Throw three more elements into the mix and Captain Planet will show up!   Nobody wants that.  Captain Planet is too bulgy. More like Captain Package!

So, this week, I finally got a paper shredder.  I shredded documents for about an hour.  It was awesome. Here are 3 Things I am Thankful For because of my Super Sweet Shredder:

1. No more toxic fumes from the Hobo Trash Can Fire
As much fun as it is, burning a lot of trash outside your house makes you smell bad. It's bad for your lungs, too. Plus, the police come by and ask if you're ok.  It's an ordeal.

Shredding paper in my home is hassle free.  It's easy. Even the Pope could do it!  When he isn't putting on his hat or talking to church guys, he could shred a couple papal bulls. No problem!

So, no fumes and it's easy?  I am super thankful for that!

2. Less clutter makes me feel better.
I can be a little messy. All these stacks of paper really get me down. When I start shredding things, suddenly I have more room.  When I'm organized, it's easier for me to focus. I feel peace.  Plus, destroying my paper past gives me a release!

It feels so good!

3. Shreddings can be used for many household projects!
You don't have to throw your paper shreddings away. Paper shreddings can be used for all kinds of fun projects.

  • Instead of a bean bag, make a shred bag!  
  • Celebrate!  Turn your divorce papers into confetti!
  • Need a little kindling for your fire? Shredded tax forms burn real easy.  Fahrenheit 1099!
  • Shreddings are great for the hamster cage!  Give him some shredding bedding!
  • Use paper shreddings to make a pillow for your grandma.  Shred that version of the will where you don't get anything- then put that in her pillow! Everyone will sleep well at night!
Because I am reusing the shreddings instead of just throwing them away, I am helping the environment. Turns out it's really easy to help the environment! Plus, it's fun! I'm thankful for that.  you like fun, don't you?

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

My lady gives me good... advice.

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I'm having one of those days where I make a 15-item to do list but only accomplish 2 things.  It's frustrating.  One of my big things was to write some jokes so I could go to at least one open mic tonight.  I really wanted to go to two open mics, one that started at 8:00 and one that started at 9:00.

Well, I finally started writing at 7:00.  Not good.  I wasn't even really creating much either.  I was just taking notes from my notepad and organizing them by subject.

At 9:00, I reached a stopping point.  Another way of saying that is my fianceè called at 8:45, and at 9:00, I realized I was done writing.  I told her how I was going to go to an open mic, but I should have been there at 8:30 and I probably wouldn't get there till 9:30.  She told me I should go anyway. I said "I don't know.  I'm going to be late. I don't want to be that guy." Regardless, she talked me into going. I'm glad she did. Most of the time, I am very thankful for my fiancee's advice.

Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because My Lady Gives Me Good... Advice:

1. It shows how she is invested in me.
When my lady takes the time to give me advice, it shows that she is thinking of me. When she takes the time to give me good advice, it shows she actually has quality insight about me. She knows me well enough to know the probable result if I don't take her advice.

In concrete terms, tonight, she told me how she knew that if I didn't go to the open mic, that tomorrow, I'd complain to her "I should have gone to the open mic."  She knew this because she's seen me do it before!

So, she was thinking of my happiness.  I got on stage, worked on some jokes, and I got an artistic release.  Also, she benefits because she doesn't have to hear me gripe about not going.  So, really, she was speaking out of mutual interest. Two for the price of one!

In the long run, repeated stage time improves my act- which improves my career, which will improve our lives together.  We are thankful that she recognizes that.

2. We have an open dialogue. 
My lady and I have an open door policy. We can talk about anything- including advice for one another.
I have seen relationships where this is not the case.  Instead of being each other's best counsel, I've sene spouses tell their friends what they wish their husband or wife would have done.  That always starts out as venting.  Soon it becomes backstabbing.  Eventually, both parties are unhappy and because they didn't talk to each other, neither of them is working towards a solution.

Now, put this back in the context of the open mic: chances are, our relationship wouldn't be in jeopardy if I didn't go to the open mic.  However, if she felt she had to keep her opinion to herself on something small like whether I should go to a mic, imagine how she'd feel about advising me about something bigger, like whether I should get a pony!  If she can't talk to me about an open mic, then we're going to have real big problems if and when I bring home a state fair pony!

This is about communication.  This is about faith in one another.  This is about respect.  If you don't have these things, you can't have a pony.  If you do, well, we can talk about it, Jake.  I don't know if it's in our budget right now.  How about we just go to the state fair sometime then get a pony when your comedy career takes off?  Okay, Callie.

We can talk about things like that.  I am truly thankful for that.

3. Since I took her advice, I can give her some too.
What's good for the gander, is good for the goose!  Since she gives me advice, it would be in bad form for her not to listen to mine.

By the way, she has taken my advice before. We are both really good about listening to each other's advice.  Now, that's not to say we always have to take it.  I'm not her boss.  She is not my boss.  I hope she doesn't read that last part.

That's the thing, though: we give each other advice, not orders. Occasionally, we strongly advise things like : "I really think you should do your 2010 taxes.  I think we'll both feel better."  or "Jake, I strongly advise you to avoid bringing up politics the next time you talk with my parents."  Good call!

So, in our relationship, advice goes both ways.  That gives us balance and again, respect.  I am thankful for that.

Monday, April 16, 2012

It's Bed Time! Yay!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

It's already been a long week.  I am pooped!  Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because It's Bed Time!  Yay!

1. I get to dream.
I absolutely love dreams- especially lucid dreams!  Anytime you are dreaming and you realize you are dreaming, you can control the dream.  You can do whatever you want! You can fly, eat a bunch of cake, tell a Kardashian how she is a bad influence!  In your dreams, the world can be yours!

2. Tomorrow, I will have energy!
I am completely wiped out right now.  When I am this exhausted, it's hard to be organized.  It's hard to accomplish your goals. It's hard to be friendly to people.  It's also hard to listen.

Tomorrow, I don't have any time-sensitive appointments until the evening. So, I can sleep in till 9, then start checking stuff off my to do list.  Rest and accomplishment on the same day?  I am super psyched for that!  Plus I won't be sleepy when I'm driving!  Everybody gets to stay alive!

3. If I can't be with my fianceè, it's just easier to be asleep.
I hate being away from her.  It's awful.  She is the love of my life.  When I sleep, though, time passes quickly. The next day, I am that much closer to seeing her again.  Man, I am thankful for that! If you can't time travel, just pass out!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Getting Off The Road Part 2: Stink Bed Kick!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I'm sitting in a hotel room in Houston, Texas. This weekend, I am performing at the Comedy Showcase, a great club that's only 3 hours from new home!  After my 17-hour drive from Asheville this Tuesday, I am super excited for these new short drives to all the Texas comedy clubs!  That was the last 17-hour drive I'll ever do!

So, here are 3 Things I am Thankful For because I'm Getting Off The Road Part 2:
(Here's a link to part 1).

1. I don't have to sit in my stinky car all day!
Anytime I drive to a gig, as soon as I get there, I avoid as many people as possible- until after I have a chance to shower.  That's because the hot sun makes me sweat all the cheese, chicharrones, & excess sweet tea, out my pores.  An aqueous layer of travel stink wets, gels, then dries- making me just about impossible to inhale!  Club owners are like "Who is this stinky guy we booked? Are the fumigation costs coming out of his pay?"

Now I that am only taking gigs I can get to with a short drive or a short flight. I can show up smelling spring clean.  I'm thankful for that. Comedy clubs will be thankful for that too!

2.  I get to sleep in my own bed!
I am thankful that I have been able to stay in hotels, at my friends' places, at couchsurfer's places, at my fianceè's place, at my fianceè's parents' place. I'm thankful I have places to crash.

However, I love sleeping in my own bed!  My bed isn't much.  It's just a futon with a clunky futon mattress, supported by a foam mattress our neighbor discarded. It's a cheap, makeshift bed. Being as I am always gone, my roommate's cat sleeps on it more than I do. Nonetheless, it's my bed!  It's not too soft. It's not too firm. It's just right.  It would be perfect for Goldilocks.  She can find her own bed, though.  I have a fianceè.  I'm thankful for that.

3. Instead of driving, I can learn a martial art.
Whenever I'm driving, I just want to kick something.  Now, I'll have the time for somebody to teach me  how to do that properly.  Are you that guy in Arkansas who caused that stupid I-40 traffic jam so I had to illegally drive on the shoulder for 30 miles? Well, next time I see you, kick to the head!  Then the world will be just a little more balanced.  I am thankful for that.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Since Santorum lost, I'm taking it easy.

Hi! I'm Jake!

Good news!  Presidential candidate Rick Santorum dropped out of the presidential race this week!  All right!

Sometimes it is nice to get out of the rat race, kick back, & rest a bit.  If I were Rick Santorum, I'd immediately put on my pajamas & wear them all day- everyday. Maybe I'd even call a press conference & whip it out on LIVE TV!

In any case, I'd certainly take a day off.  Yesterday, I drove all the way from North Carolina to Austin, Texas.  I am pooped so I took a day off. Here are 3 Things I am Thankful For because I took today off:

1. I had free pizza!
I haven't been home in slightly over 2 months.  That means I have no food here.  The food I did have in the fridge was growing orange stuff..  Time to throw that out!  If a carrot grows orange stuff, that's okay. It's just more orange to blend in with the previous orange.  If your guacamole grows orange stuff, bye bye.  So, I threw out all my food- & some of my roommate's

The problem is, I was so lazy/ beat today that I didn't go buy food. Fortunately, I ate my roommate's frozen pizza.  I am so thankful he had some food for me to steal!

2. I had an incredible nap.
The past couple months have been super hectic.  I had a bunch of gigs.  I put over 7,000 miles on my car. I got engaged. It's been pretty nonstop.

Today, I napped for an hour.  It wasn't just a regular nap, either.  It was a "I just ate a whole pizza" nap.  That means I had some deep sleep, some deep dish pizza sleep.  After my nap, I was able to check some things off my to do list- like watch a movie.  I am thankful for that. Gord knows I don't watch enough movies!

3. I watched The Stand.
The Stand came out in 1994.  I am just now watching it.  That's how far behind I am!  The Stand is a mystical, apocalyptic Stephen King mini-series where Rob Lowe doesn't get to talk for 6 hours.  I am thankful for that!

Moreover, it's on my roommate's Netflix, so I am watching it for free. I am thankful for that too!  Why pay money for a movie when one of the main characters doesn't have a speaking part?  Come on, Hollywood!  I know everybody's budget is tight these days, but you can afford to give Rob Lowe a couple lines!

Anyway, I am watching The Stand for free. I am thankful for that. I'm watching my roommate's Netflix for free & I ate my roommate's pizza for free. Dinner & a movie? Even though he's in Chicago, it's kind of like we're on a date!  Instead of sleeping on my futon, I think I'll sleep on his bed for free too!

Monday, April 9, 2012

Getting Off The Road Part 1

Hi! I'm Jake!

Tomorrow, I have a 16-hour drive back to Austin, Texas. I have been on the road this time for exactly 2 months. In that 2 months, My life has changed drastically. I have a new business model for my comedy career. My days of driving around the country aimlessly are done. Also, I just got engaged to the love of my life! I have a lot to be thankful for.

Today, though, I want to focus on how thankful I am that I am getting off the road this week. Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because I'm Getting Off The Road:

1. I'm thankful to have more quality time.
We all have the same amount of time each day. However, I have been spending a whole bunch of my time sitting in my car or sitting in planes. That's not living!  That's sitting! This year, January through April, I've already spent 240 hours just sitting en route somewhere. That's 10 days of my life that are now gone!  I've lost time!

This week, I am thankful because I will have time in Austin, Texas, one of my favorite cities on the planet- nay, in the universe!

When I'm at home, I can create a schedule that includes time for writing, performing, reading, exercising, & eating tacos.  When you properly control your schedule, you can find balance in your life.  I am thankful for that.

2. I get to eat right.

When you are en route & you need to eat, you can't exactly go to the kitchen & fix something healthy.  You're either speeding to your next gig or at the mercy of airport food vendors. So, I've been eating cheaply made- yet inversely expensive- travel food such as:
  • $10 sandwiches & $15 burgers at the airport. Ridiculous! I can make a sandwich for less than $2. 
  • $20 at Waffle House?!?!?!?   How is that possible?  I don't know, but I spent $20.57 at Waffle House today!
  • Pepperoni slices, cheese slices, lunchmeat slices, & dried banana chip slices.  Yep.  That's what I packed for my drive home tomorrow.  That's probably really healthy for me.  I wonder why I am constipated.
Travel food is expensive food.  It's also not the healthiest food. Just so I can enjoy my trips, I have to pack a bottle of Immodium A.D.  When you drive to work, do you have to plan for diarrhea?

So, starting this week, I will be grocery shopping again.  My groceries cost less than $20 per week. My food is healthier.  I can eat it on my own schedule.   I am thankful for that.

3. I get to exercise right.

Speaking of healthy, all this travel has interrupted any semblance of a fitness schedule.  I used to be lean.  I used to lift weights, ride my bike 30 miles 3-5 times a week, climb mountains (in Colorado, not Texas), & run on the treadmill.  But, I am a traveler now, not an exerciser.  

Sure, I tried to use hotel fitness rooms, but I worked a lot in the Midwest on this trip. Believe it or not, the Midwest hotels don't always have a fitness room!  I know; It's unbelievable!  It's true, though.  People in the Midwest are fat. Hotels don't give you a fitness option because they want to help you blend in.

Starting this week, I will be in Texas for 3 weeks.  I can get back on an exercise regiment.  Muscle tone, lung capacity, endorphins, & self-confidence are coming back! I'm sooooo thankful for that.  So is my gut!

Monday, April 2, 2012

I Didn't Punch A Kid in the Face This Weekend

Hi!  I'm Jake!

The past few nights, I have had horrible sleep. Thursday & Friday, I performed in LaCrosse, Wisconsin. I usually sleep just fine in LaCrosse. All that Wisconsin cheese drops me like a rock.  

However, this time, Wisconsin had its 7th grade state basketball championship in LaCrosse- & all those 7th graders stayed at my hotel!  Hooray!  So for 2 nights, 300 hormone-fueled pimply brats ran around yelling in the halls like it was their own private amusement park!  Glad they had fun!  

The parents & chaperones weren't much better.  "Hey Paul!  I'll see you downstairs! " "Sounds great, Linda!  I look forward to that!"  Sounds great, Paul & Linda.  I look forward to both of you shutting the hell up. Does this discussion really need to happen in the hall?  The hall is a good place for you to shut up.  Now I know why your crapface kids don't have manners.

Saturday, I performed in St. Cloud, Minnesota.  They had a big wedding at my hotel.  At the hotel? Lame place for a wedding!  Instead of a reception, guests get a continental breakfast!  Yay!  Anyway, at that hotel, all the guests brought their kids!  Guess what I got to hear?  More brats running around in the hall- this time, not just boy brats, but girl brats too!

I wanted to punch some kids in the face. However, I didn't punch anybody.  Instead, I spent my energy writing, editing video, & watching movies. So, here are 3 Things I am Thankful For Because I Didn't Punch A Kid in the Face This Weekend:

1. I Didn't Go to Jail.
I am thankful I didn't punch any kids in the face because pounding a kid means you get pounded in jail.  Teenager hell hotel sleep is bad, but jail sleep is worse.  I am thankful I do not have empirical knowledge of that theory.

Moreover, the Supreme Court just ruled 5-4 that police officers can strip search anyone they arrest- regardless of the alleged crime, regardless if the police even suspect you have dangerous contraband. So, because I didn't punch a kid in the head, the cops don't get to see my balls.  I am thankful for that too!

2. This Was An Opportunity to Make Sure My Kids Aren't Brats.
Because I didn't punch any kids, because I didn't just react, I was able instead to think about how & why this crappy  public behavior happened.  The inconsiderate hallway noise happened because nobody ever told these kids to shut up. Their crappy parents didn't tell them to shut up.  Their crappy school-appointed chaperones didn't tell them to shut up.

Since I am a stranger, I am not allowed to tell them "shut up, learn to behave in public, or I'll kick your butts." However, when I have my own kids, that kind of talk is fair game.  I will let them know "shut up, learn to behave in public, or I'll kick your butts."

So, I am thankful I now have firsthand knowledge of why it is important to use inside voices in the hotel hallway & I am thankful I have already decided how to treat my kids if they act like this past week's brats.

3. I Accidentally Grew Up A Little.
Unlike those brat kids, I actually thought about consequences of my actions.  What if I just punched every dufus out there? Then, I'd be spending all my time & energy punching dufuses.  So, I'd be just as tired.  Plus, kid-punching is loud, so I'd be contributing to the noise in the hallway.

Instead, I just watched some TV & eventually fell asleep.  That took way more maturity & way less energy than kid punching.  I am thankful for that!