Monday, April 30, 2012

It's Time Time

Hi! I'm Jake!

I haven't worn a watch in over 2 years.  Yet, I am constantly aware of time.  Each comedy set I do has to be a minimum amount of time- and they don't want me going over my time either.  I am 34-years-old- which means I have been alive for over 12,500 days!  How many days do I have left?

A time line is comprised of dots, moments in time connected to each other, before and after other moments.  If time didn't exist, if we just had one big circumstance where everything happened simultaneously, it would be chaos.

Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because Time Exists:

1. I don't think I could focus!

On a personal level, I have focus issues. If everything happened all at once, I wouldn't be able to juggle it.  I have to study for a test, simultaneously take the test, while graduating, getting married, going to my wife's funeral, watching my grandpa's birth, and watching the Discovery shuttle explode? I need a break!  

Unfortunately, I'd have to take that break at the same moment as everything else. Not much of a break.

I'm thankful we have time so I can space all those things out! Learn something new every day!

2. No time means no such thing as a slow dance.
I love my lady more than I have loved any lady.  She's amazing.  When we get married, I can't wait to slow dance with her. The thing is, without time, the word "slow" has no meaning.  Slow refers to speed. Speed is determined by distance over time.  No time means no speed. No time means no birth, no death, no change. Death of the present moment is what makes the present moment priceless. We'll never have that exact moment again.  

So, a slow dance with a loved one wouldn't be possible without time.  Time means I can die, but it also means I can have a priceless moment with my wife.  For that, I am thankful.

3. No time means gross body functions.

In the last entry, I told you I'd take the high brow back down to low brow.  So here you go! Having a timeline means better sex and better poops- but not at the same time!

Can you imagine taking every poop you have ever taken, are taking, and ever will take all at once?  That would be awful!  You'd be eating while taking those poops, too!

Sex would also be awful. Anybody having sex would be having sex with someone who is a baby, adult, old person, and dead person, all at once. I'm pretty sure that's illegal! I'm pretty sure that's gross too.

So, instead of geriatric pedophilia, love making at least has the potential to be beautiful.

Beautiful poops. Beautiful sex. I think we're all thankful for that.

Well, my brain, my heart, and my body functions are all extremely thankful that we have time.  I'm also thankful you took the time to read my blog.

Bye!  I'm Jake!

P.S. For a good time, check out my CD, "Jake's First Purge."  Pay what you want or get it free.  Thanks!

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