Monday, April 2, 2012

I Didn't Punch A Kid in the Face This Weekend

Hi!  I'm Jake!

The past few nights, I have had horrible sleep. Thursday & Friday, I performed in LaCrosse, Wisconsin. I usually sleep just fine in LaCrosse. All that Wisconsin cheese drops me like a rock.  

However, this time, Wisconsin had its 7th grade state basketball championship in LaCrosse- & all those 7th graders stayed at my hotel!  Hooray!  So for 2 nights, 300 hormone-fueled pimply brats ran around yelling in the halls like it was their own private amusement park!  Glad they had fun!  

The parents & chaperones weren't much better.  "Hey Paul!  I'll see you downstairs! " "Sounds great, Linda!  I look forward to that!"  Sounds great, Paul & Linda.  I look forward to both of you shutting the hell up. Does this discussion really need to happen in the hall?  The hall is a good place for you to shut up.  Now I know why your crapface kids don't have manners.

Saturday, I performed in St. Cloud, Minnesota.  They had a big wedding at my hotel.  At the hotel? Lame place for a wedding!  Instead of a reception, guests get a continental breakfast!  Yay!  Anyway, at that hotel, all the guests brought their kids!  Guess what I got to hear?  More brats running around in the hall- this time, not just boy brats, but girl brats too!

I wanted to punch some kids in the face. However, I didn't punch anybody.  Instead, I spent my energy writing, editing video, & watching movies. So, here are 3 Things I am Thankful For Because I Didn't Punch A Kid in the Face This Weekend:

1. I Didn't Go to Jail.
I am thankful I didn't punch any kids in the face because pounding a kid means you get pounded in jail.  Teenager hell hotel sleep is bad, but jail sleep is worse.  I am thankful I do not have empirical knowledge of that theory.

Moreover, the Supreme Court just ruled 5-4 that police officers can strip search anyone they arrest- regardless of the alleged crime, regardless if the police even suspect you have dangerous contraband. So, because I didn't punch a kid in the head, the cops don't get to see my balls.  I am thankful for that too!

2. This Was An Opportunity to Make Sure My Kids Aren't Brats.
Because I didn't punch any kids, because I didn't just react, I was able instead to think about how & why this crappy  public behavior happened.  The inconsiderate hallway noise happened because nobody ever told these kids to shut up. Their crappy parents didn't tell them to shut up.  Their crappy school-appointed chaperones didn't tell them to shut up.

Since I am a stranger, I am not allowed to tell them "shut up, learn to behave in public, or I'll kick your butts." However, when I have my own kids, that kind of talk is fair game.  I will let them know "shut up, learn to behave in public, or I'll kick your butts."

So, I am thankful I now have firsthand knowledge of why it is important to use inside voices in the hotel hallway & I am thankful I have already decided how to treat my kids if they act like this past week's brats.

3. I Accidentally Grew Up A Little.
Unlike those brat kids, I actually thought about consequences of my actions.  What if I just punched every dufus out there? Then, I'd be spending all my time & energy punching dufuses.  So, I'd be just as tired.  Plus, kid-punching is loud, so I'd be contributing to the noise in the hallway.

Instead, I just watched some TV & eventually fell asleep.  That took way more maturity & way less energy than kid punching.  I am thankful for that!

Well, I'm thankful you read this entry.  Also, if you are a parent of a crappy kid, please spank them for me.  The world will be thankful that you are acting like a parent for once.

Bye!  I'm Jake!

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