Monday, March 26, 2012

I Don't Travel by Wagon Train

Hi! I'm Jake!

If you don't know, I am a full-time stand-up comedian. I get by on the skin of my teeth. Right now, I have a weird bug bite. Sometimes, comedians get weird bug bites. This one is itchy.

I travel a lot, though. At the moment, I am in High Point, North Carolina. Tonight, I'll be in Minneapolis.Tomorrow, I have a gig in Dickinson, North Dakota. Later this week, LaCrosse, Wisconsin & St. Paul, Minnesota. Then, North Carolina, then Texas. Today, I'm thankful I travel by plane & car, but not by wagon train.

So, here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because I don't travel by wagon train:

1. Modern travel is way faster!
I am taking 2 travel days to get from North Carolina to North Dakota.  In olden tymes, that would have taken 3 months!  Imagine wagoning all that way, then actually seeing North Dakota.  You pretty much have to blow your whole wad to take that long of a trip.  You spend all your money, use up all your vacation days.  Then you're stuck there. No turning back.  So you have to live there.

All I am saying is I am thankful that I have the time & means to go there, enjoy the show, then drive & fly to anywhere else.  

NOTE:  If you live in North Dakota, I do like you.  You guys just need to work on the scenery.  It looks like God spent 7 days on the rest of the planet, but in North Dakota, he quit on day 3.

2. Different diseases.
Back in the day, travelers could get gout, dysentery, or a plethora of urethra diseases. The only way to feel better, was to ride it out, or trade enough pelts to get a tonic from a greasy charlatan. Now, you might get diarrhea because you didn't wash your hands. But you can get Immodium at any gas station or airport news stand. I have been thankful for that on many occasions! I never wash my hands!

3. Construction zones suck, but they could be worse!
It's true: construction zones slow you down.  If you drive through Arkansas, you actually go as slow as a wagon train!  Seriously!  One time, I sat there in Arkansas- at a dead stop- for AN HOUR!  I got out of the car, walked in the woods, took a pee, wrote a novel, then came back & waited for traffic to start back again.

Nevertheless, in olden tymes, they didn't have construction zones; they had dirt roads (just like Arkansas) & the wagons rutted the roads.  Wagon ruts bring you to a dead stop too- but you're the one who has to come out & fix the road!  If I had to fix the road, that would quite literally take forever!  I'm thankful I don't have to do that! I bet you are thankful too.
I guess the only reason I would have ever wanted to travel by wagon train is maybe my name would be in the Oregon Trail game.  Then, I'd be thankful because I'd have an actual credit for my comedy career!

Well, gotta go! As always, I'm thankful because you read my blog.  Now, who wants to scratch me?

Bye!  I'm Jake!

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