Carolina Thrift

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I'm in High Point, North Carolina, hanging out with my fianceé and her family.  Next month, we're getting married here. Yay! This week, Callie is also taking me to one of her best friends's wedding.  Yesterday, I found out that in addition to the dress up clothes I already brought out here, I need a second set of dress-up clothes for the rehearsal dinner. Fantastic.  They're doing a dress rehearsal dinner- only I am not allowed to wear the same dress clothes twice.  Lame.

This is how I like to dress,
wearing a vest, a John Deere hat,
and a puking snowman t-shirt.

Assuming I get the cheap kind of dress clothes Men's Wearhouse markets to my squalid demographic, a new set of clothes, complete with dress shirt, tie, suit, et cetera could cost me $300! That's about $350 more than I want to spend on dress clothes!

This is a problem for several reasons:

• I hate dressing up. 
• I hate being forced to dress up.
• I hate trying on clothes- especially clothes I don't want to wear and that I will never wear again! 
• I hate paying for clothes I don't want and that I will never wear again!
• After paying for my wedding ring, my suit, the honeymoon, countless meals, flights, hotel rooms, all the times I have traveled out here regardless of the work I can add on to the trip, car repairs, et cetera, ad nauseam, I am broke!  I am literally broke.  I can't afford dress clothes.
• I really hate dressing up.

Fortunately, we went to Carolina Thrift, High Point's main thrift store. Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because Carolina Thrift!

1. The total for our purchases was significantly less than $300.

Did I tell you how much I hate dressing up? Did I tell you how much I hate paying to dress up? Well good news: After a grueling hour picking out clothes, taking back the suit that we liked (but we found out it was a tux), wearing 10 different pairs of pants that didn't fit for 10 different reasons, we found something.  We found dress slacks, a nice shirt, and a blue, Republican blazer.

Based on the price tags, "we" only had to spend about $20.  At least it wasn't $300!  I'm thankful for that- kind of.

2. Okay, so I had a little fun- begrudgingly.

Turns out, trying on all the super-short pants and too tiny coats was fun.  It was fun finding out just how many articles of clothing had weird, inexplicable stains.  

My fianceé has often complained about my "bad taste in clothes."  However, back when I did college forensics (speech competitions, not dead people) I dressed up every weekend.  Despite my dislike for dressing nicely, I was pretty good at it. 

Yesterday, my fiancee picked out several shirts that I knew would not go with the solid blue blazer.  She picked out stripes, wrong colors, patterns, etc.  Some of these shirts were nice in their own right, but I knew they wouldn't go with the shirt and blazer we picked out.  I'm getting to the point.  The point is I knew a light blue dress shirt would look sharp with that combo.  She didn't believe me til I tried it on and put the combination together.  It was fun being right.

So, somehow, using my ego, she tricked me into having fun and taking pride in my appearance!  Tricky woman!  I am thankful for her.

3. I got a big surprise!

Usually, I get up to the register and I am surprised how much everything costs. However, as the cashier was ringing up my pants, jacket, and shirt, I noticed after every transaction, a number with a negative sign would appear too.

"$9.00.  -$4.50.  $5.00. -$2.50."

I asked what the hey was going on.  The cashier said "Everything with an orange tag is half-off today."  Incroyable!  I had no idea!  I was expecting to pay $20 and "we" only had to pay $10.59. Not bad!

See that, fancy North Carolinans?  I can come to your high societé functions dressed to the nines, but I'll also be dress to the $9.99s!  I look hoity-toity, but for a fraction of the price! I'm thankful for that!

Rep. Todd Akin Legitimate Raped His Own Career!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

If you have access to the internet- since you're reading this, I postulate that you do- then you are aware that Representative Todd Akin (R, Missouri) spoke some very unwise words this week. He said “First of all, from what I understand from doctors [pregnancy from rape] is really rare.... If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” -Talking Points Memo Magazine.

Watch this awesome video:

Wow!  Wow!  Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because Rep. Todd Akin Legitimate Raped His Own Career!

1. Twitter has been a bunch of fun today!
After Akin's ridiculous remarks, Twitter exploded as  comedian/ Twitter star Rob Delaney (@robdelaney) popularized a twitter trend/ hashtag, #legitimaterape. Thousands of people are using this hashtag to discuss the issue.  Even Facebook is getting in on the fun -as well as they can.  But yeah, I have been reading tweets and laughing all day!

Here's one of my favorites that @robdelaney wrote:
I’m glad GOP Congress members have excellent gov’t healthcare so they can get the ulcer medication they’ll need after this@RepToddAkin news

Here's one from Comedian Lizz Winstead) (@LizzWinstead):

Where on the doll did he legitimize you? #LegitimateRape #BurningStupidity

Here's a tweet I wrote (@jakeisfantastic):
@RepToddAkin knows what he's talking about. His #legitimaterape studies are thorough, based on the legitimate rapes he conducted.

Anyway, it has been a lot of fun.  Rape is not a super funny topic, but watching an idiot ruin his career with a dumb comment about it is funny!  I'm thankful for that.

2. Akin is a pariah- even amongst the Republican Party!
With the rapid spread of this Twitter hashtag, the GOP has distanced themselves from Akin.  Today, they pulled his funding from his upcoming Missouri House of Representatives race. Yay!  I'm thankful for that!  

That's what you get for being stupid on TV! I am glad we live in a country where we are theoretically free to say whatever we want. I am just glad that this comment reached enough people so they can see who is- and has been- "representing them" this whole time.  I am thankful for that!

3. I am a loudmouthed idiot, but I am smarter than a Congressman!
I have said some super-dumb things in my life.  I accidentally made a joke about my fianceè's grandma today that landed me in the dog house.  I wasn't jokin about her actual grandma, but I used the word grandma inappropriately (I will not repeat the joke for fear of repercussions) and it made her super mad/ sad. Fortunately, I sad that comment to her.  I didn't air my stupid comment on TV.  I said it in her kitchen.   I was then able to apologize directly to all parties affected.  

Todd Akin, on the other hand, is just screwed.  Americans like a show.  They like to be fickle.  They don't really have any ide who their representatives really are.  We just know our reps are rich and taking advantage of us.  But when one of them screws up like this, at least we get a show.  At least now, we know that this guy needs to get fired.  I'm thankful for that!

Schlitterbahn

Hi!  I'm Jake!

Yesterday was awesome.  I have lived in Texas for most of the past year.  Yet, yesterday, I finally went to one of the biggest water parks in Texas- nay, the world!  I went to Schlitterbahn, in New Braunfels, Texas.  It was a fun-filled day!

So here are 3 Things I am Thankful For about Schlitterbahn!

1. We had fun in the sun (and water) for over 10 hours!
Because the price of admission is so expensive ($45 for a day pass), Matt Golightly & I made a day of it. We got there at 10:15, right after it opened.  We left at 8:45- 45 minutes after they closed!  They were pretty cool about it. Aside from standing in line, we spent most of the day wetter than pus.

The best ride was Master Blaster. Of course, that also had about an hour-long wait in line each time we did it.  But Master Blaster was awesome. You basically drop straight down then the water pressure shoots you up almost as quickly. This happens several times.  The ride only lasts about 50 seconds, but it's pretty sweet.

I also liked The Falls, a lazy river that loops around and around the park.  You can get off at several exits and enjoy rides near those exits. The Falls also has occasional rapids.  It's fun.  There aren't really any actual falls, though.  That's kind of misleading.  It's basically just a lazy river that is not so lazy.

I think it was a good deal. Since they let us bring in food and beverages, we didn't have to buy their pricey foods and beverages.  The main cost was the $45 admission.  Considering we rode rides for about 10.5 hours, that's about $4 per hour.

2. Schlitterbahn is fun to say!

There are several scenarios when it's fun to say Schlitterbahn. By the way, try saying that sentence 3 times fast! "There are sheveral schenarios when it's fun to shay Schlitterbahn."  

Here are some examples of when it's fun to say Schlitterbahn:

• If you have even the slightest lisp, say Schlitterbahn, and you'll sound like a giant dork. It's great!  Do it at parties! "I shell Schlitterbahn sheason pashes down by the theashore."
• Schlitterbahn sounds like a poo joke.  "I need to get some New Braunfels.  I just Schlitterbahned myself!"
• Schlitterbahn is a great innuendo. Instead of saying you drove up the Hershey Highway, say "Francine is great. She let me drive up her Schlitterbahn!"



I look pinker than the
hot dogs my gut eats. 

• The next time your friend gets on a scary water park ride, tell them "Schlitter-Bon Voyage!"

See? Schlitterbahn is just fun to say. I'm thankful for that.  You are probably not.

3. I got a great tan.

You'd be surprised how dark you get after 10 hours of uninterrupted Texas sunshine.  Look at my beautiful skin!  A tan can help protect your body against harmful radioactive sun rays. Well, imagine how much protection my body has after this great, sexy dark tan! I'm thankful for that!

As always, I am thankful you read my blog.
Bye!  I'm Jake!

Tao Te Ching 16-We're all Going To Die!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

My mind has been a crumbly scramble the past few weeks. Delayed flights, my hernia, awesome shows, bad news, performing near the mass graves lining the Mexican border.  I even missed a gig due to Southwest Airlines's broken planes.  My reputation suffered.  I've also had some of my most favorite shows ever in the past 2 weeks.  Money coming and going, being surrounded by cokeheads. Ups and downs like crazy.

I've gotten a lot of useful and comforting advice from my dad, my roommate, and my fianceè.  ¡Fantastico!  However, when I was on the plane to and from the gig Southwest caused me to miss, and when I was within 15 miles of mass murders that regularly happen across the border, it was great just to read and re-read and re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-read chapters 12, 13, and 16 of Tao Te Ching, by Lao Tzu.  Here's Chapter 16:

"ATTAIN to utmost Emptiness.

Cling single-heartedly to interior peace.
While all things are stirring together,
I only contemplate the Return.
For flourishing as they do,
Each of them will return to its root.
To return to the root is to find peace.
To find peace is to fulfill one's destiny.
To fulfill one's destiny is to be constant.
To know the Constant is called Insight.

If one does not know the Constant,
One runs blindly into disasters.
If one knows the Constant,
One can understand and embrace all.
If one understands and embraces all,
One is capable of doing justice.
To be just is to be kingly;
To be kingly is to be heavenly;
To be heavenly is to be one with the Tao;
To be one with the Tao is to abide forever.
Such a one will be safe and whole
Even after the dissolution of his body." -Tao Te Ching, Lao Tzu

Okay, there is a lot to read and re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-read here. To break it down, though, Tao Te Ching is telling is to constantly contemplate "the Return", or our deaths.  It says we will all return to our "root"- or the dirt.  That's our destiny.  If we don't know our destiny, we run blindly into disasters.  But, if you know you're going to die, you can stop worrying about all that crap in life that is pretty meaningless.  You can put that stuff aside, be just, kingly, heavenly, safe and whole- even after your body rots and you return to the dirt.

To break it down further, Tao Te Ching says "we're all going to die so chill out and don't scurry around screwing up people's lives like an insane dickface."

Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because of Tao Te Ching Chapter 16- We're All Going To Die!

1. Tao Te Ching Chapter 16 rhymes.
If something rhymes, it makes it way easier for me to look it up again. "What chapter was that?  Oh yeah: it rhymes with 'Ching' so it must be 16.  ¡Fantastico!"

I'm thankful for that.

2. Chapter 16 relieves my stress.
Especially these days with information overload, it is really easy for my attention deficit brain to overload. It's really easy for me to short circuit myself into a jerk.  When I realized I was missing a really important gig due to Southwest Airlines's shortcomings, my first response was to quickly unravel and spin out of control into panic mode.  I was leaving frantic voicemails and texts.  I basically did a lot of things that the sane, rational version of myself regrets.

When I finally got on a plane, though, Tao Te Ching reminded me there will always be a bunch of things stirring around, but one day I will be back in the dirt.  So, the fact that Southwest Airlines kind of  dorked me out of a gig might suck today- and it might even screw up my reputation with this booker I was supposed to work for- none of that matters when I'm in the dirt.  The only thing I can do is calm my mind and experience the situation.  That's way more productive.

After reading this passage, I was way less of a douche.  You're thankful for that.

3. Chapter 16 is only one page.
That's one cool thing about Tao Te Ching.  Each chapter is only one page- max!  A lot of the chapters are only half page- or even just a quarter page!  So, I can bang out a whole chapter in minutes. That feels pretty good. "I need to read this chapter.  Ok. Done!  What's next on my queue?"

Also, I'm really glad each chapter is only one page. I have been reading this book for about 7 years. I read each chapter over and over and over. The more I read this book, the more it blows my mind.  Every time I read a chapter, I have to stop.  I need to soak that message in before I get my mind blown again.  My mind is like my body.  It can only be blown once before it needs to recharge for a bit.  Yep. That's a sexual epiphany. Enjoy!  You;re thankful for that.  Me too.

The UMS 2012 Rocked!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I'm a little late in writing about this, but last week, I was back in Denver for The Underground Music Showcase (The UMS).  It's a really fun indy music festival. I think they had 35 stages and over 300 bands. For being underground, it's a pretty big music festival!

I've been involved in The UMS for 5 years now. This was my 5th year putting together a great line-up of comedians and hosting the show.

This year, they gave us a 3-hour show. Typically, 3 hours is too long for a comedy show.  Unless they're watching Lord of the Rings, nobody has a 3-hour attention span.  However, the crowds came and went several times throughout the show.  One weird thing about a music festival like this is because there are so many shows going on at once, each show has a revolving door. Crowds come. Crowds go.  They want to check out as many things as possible.  When my show wasn't going on, I did the same thing!  I watched a band, stayed for a few songs, then wen off to sample some more.

As long as when they came in the door something funny was happening, they stuck around for awhile.  Even if something funny was happening, though, at some point, they left to go see other bands.  Or, they left other bands to come see us.  The show started with maybe 5 people in the crowd.  By the end of the night, every table was full.  That's usually the opposite of how my shows go!

Wel, let's get to it. Here are 3 Things I Am Thankful For because of The 2012 Underground Music Showcase:

1.  I got to come back to Denver.
I left Denver August 2011.  I have been back briefly since then twice, once last November, and once this January. I miss my friends.  I miss my family.

And right now,  the Denver comedy scene is exploding. People are getting in the Montreal Comedy Festival.  All these ladies are getting Nick at Nite.  Huffington Post is writing about everybody and their mother. Denver is the place to be. So what do I do? I move. Good call. Good career choice.  That's what I do: make good career choices.

By the way, if I had to move anywhere, I am glad to be in Austin. Every time I am actually in town, I have a lot of fun down there.

Anyway, it was good to be back home for a bit.  I saw family.  I went to the gun range. I saw the mountains. I was home.  I am thankful for that.


2.  I got to see a lot of my comedy friends.
For this year's UMS, we performed at The Hornet's stage. The Hornet is one of my favorite places to eat in Denver.  It's right by my old apartment. You don't really need to know that part- unless you want a little Jake Sharon apartment history tour.

This year, I booked 20 of my favorite underground comedians.  At the last minute, I had a couple surprise drop-ins too.

Here's the lineup:

1. Jake Sharon (emcee)
2. Mike Jones (West Virginia/ Denver)
3. Heather Snow (Denver)
4. Jordan Doll (Denver)
5. Adrian Mesa (Miami/ Denver)
6. Brent The Great (Denver)
7. Erik Lindstrom (Fort Collins)
8. Stacy Roquemore (Denver)
9. Rick Bryan (Denver)
10. Tim Messenger (Boston/ D.C./ Denver)
11. Rubi Nicholas (Philadelphia/ Denver)
12. Elliot Woolsey (Denver)
13. Leif Cedar (Denver)
14. Brady Quarterman (Denver)
15. Michael Carter (Denver)
16. Matt Monroe (Denver)
17. Abbey Jordan (San Francisco/ Portland/ Denver)
18. John Crist (Denver)
19. Rick DeSimone (Denver)
20. Alex Ash (Denver)
21. Maureen Hobbs (Denver)
22. Brad Galli (Denver)
23. Jim Hickox (Denver)

When you have this many people on the show each doing 5-8 minute sets, you're going to have a pretty wide variety of content. We had physical comedy, family-friendly comedy, abrasive rapey comedy, political jokes, stoner jokes, relationship jokes, racial jokes, stories. Oddly enough, there weren't any musical comedians.  We're at a music festival and there's no music on the show!  Huh. But yeah, something for everybody- unless you wanted music.

I hadn't seen Adrian Mesa in 6 years.  I hadn't seen Rubi in 4 or 5.  Most of these other guys I hadn't seen since The February*, the last time I was in Denver.  So, it was super cool to see everybody showcase their new jokes. It was just supercool to see everybody, just in general.  I'm thankful for that.

3.  I got to see some great bands.
One of my favorite aspects of doing The UMS each year is I get to see a ton of cool bands.  It's four straight nights of just about every kind of indy music you can imagine.  As a performer, I got to see it all.  


At the 2011 UMS, I got to see one of my new favorite bands, Chicago's Git Some.  I got their 2008 CD, Cosmic Rock.  Those guys put out a really loud, in your face sound. I also saw Wheelchair Sports Camp, a nationally touring Denver hip-hop group with a sound that's on the level of Digable Planets.  I got their CD, Mixed Tapes.

This year, I head to leave The UMS right after my show on Friday night.  Bummer. I didn't get to see enough bands. At 11:15 pm, I got in my car so I could make my gig in San Angelo, Texas.  Hey, got to pay the bills.

However, before my show, I went to The UMS mainstage and I got to see Mancub.  Wow!  Those guys were great! Mancub is a laidback Denver techno duo, kind of a hi-tech/ lo-tech combo.  I'm a new fan.  Check em out at http://www.mancub303.com/.

That's the thing about the UMS: You'll see a ton of great bands, and you'll remember a few of them enough to become their fans.  Wow.  That sentence kind of rhymed.  I'm thankful for that.

Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

I haven't blogged in over a week. I am super-stressed! In the past week, I have ruined my bike in a bike accident, almost died, driven over 2500 miles, been to the auto shop 4 times, and spent $1000 on my car.  Plus, I need hernia surgery. All this stuff is piling up and it's freaking me out! I am getting married soon, I need to take my debt down, not bring it up even more!

Fortunately, this week, I went to the gun range and got some stress relief. Here are 3 Things I am Thankful For Because of Bang Bang Bang Bang Bang!

1. I got some stress relief. 
Sometimes, I just need to calm down and focus.  Nothing makes me focus better than yoga.  However, the only thing that helps me focus almost as much as yoga is shooting at a target over and over, making paper zombie target carnage.

With both yoga and guns, you have to have proper form and concentrated breathing.  You have to focus. Focusing my mind make me relax.

2. I got to test out a Thureon Defense 9mm Carbine with a Slide Fire Solutions stock.

Oh, man!  What a treat! Remember the first time you played the 8-bit Nintendo with controllers that had turbo buttons?  Koopa Troopas aren't so tough now, right?  Well, the Slide Fire Solutions stock is basically a turbo button for your rifle.  It uses the gun's recoil and your body to increase your firing rate- significantly!  Plus, it's legal.

Check out this video of my sweet day at the range!  Talk about stress relief!  Shooting this Slide Fire- equipped 9mm really puts a smile on my face!  Try it out sometime.  You'll smile too.  I'm always thankful for smiles- except creepy smiles.  Then, not so much. See that?  I brought back "not so much."

3. I spent time with my dad.
I love going to the range with my dad.  Guns are one thing my dad and I both really enjoy.  Plus, every time I hang out with my dad, I am happy. We have a great relationship. Hanging out with him as an adult is just as fun as hanging out with him when I was a kid.  I've always enjoyed that- except when I'm in trouble.

My dad's my hero.  He's a good guy.  He's honest.  He's laid back- which also calms me down.  I know sometimes life makes him crazy too- but he doesn't freak out like I do.  He rolls with it.  I need to learn how to do that better.  Everybody around me would be thankful if I just CALMED DOWN! CALM DOWN, JAKE!

That Rubber Band!

Hi!  I'm Jake!

The RAM X-Grip mounted onto
my bike.

I have been cycling a lot lately. In the previous entries, I wrote about how I am thankful to have the RAM Mount X-Grip Universal Cell Phone Holder, mounts my Droid Thunderbolt smart phone onto my handle bars. The X-Grip allows me to view the trail map while I'm riding.

As much as I like the X-Grip, it has a big flaw: whenever I hit a nasty bump on the bike path,  there is a decent chance the spring-loaded X-Grip will let go of my cell phone.  This happened 3 times within the first week of using the X-Grip!  The first time the X-Grip dropped my phone, I didn't even realize what had happened.  I just heard something drop behind me.  Suddenly I realized my phone was gone so I turned around.  Imagine if I hadn't heard that dropping sound, though!  

My Otterbox-encased
Droid Thunderbolt
mounted on to my X-Grip.

The second time the X-Grip dropped my phone, I could see it hurdling through the dirt.  The third time it happened was about 10 minutes after the second time it happened.  There will not be a fourth time!

Fortunately, my phone is in an Otterbox, a protective case that prevented my phone from total annihilation. The sim card did slip out of its slot- so I couldn't make any phone calls till I took my phone apart and fixed it.

This rubberband that ensures my RAM X-Grip won't
drop my phone again!

I am thankful my Otterbox protected my phone from utter destruction. However,  this entry is not about the Otterbox. It's about my solution to the X-Grip's shortcomings: To keep my phone securely attached to the X-Grip, I have been using a rubber band.  That's right: I spent $50 on RAM's mounting system, but a two-penny rubber band is what keeps my Droid securely fastened to my bike!  

So, here are 3 Things I am Thankful For because of That Rubber Band!

1. First off, it keeps my Droid mounted to my bike!

Before I started using the rubber band to supplement my X-Grip, my Droid fell off my bike 3 times.  Since I started using the rubber band, it hasn't fallen off once.  

This week- since using the rubberband- a pedestrian ran out right in front of me and I had to swerve to avoid running over her.  I swerved off the path, hit a bunch of tree roots and the X-Grip almost dropped my phone again. Even with the rubberband, the phone almost came out.  It came half way out.  It would have come all the way out, but the rubberband held it in place. Without the rubberband, my Droid would have definitely dropped.

I am thankful my rubberband is more reliable than my X-Grip!

2. When I get off my bike, I can use the rubberband to shoot somebody.

If another lady cuts me off and forces me off the trail, I can stop the bike, put my phone in my back pack, then bike up behind her and shoot the rubberband at the back of her head, execution style.  

Then, I can pick the rubberband back up, reattach it and my phone to my X-Grip and merrily ride off into the sunset.

3. I can use a rubberband to hold just about anything in place!

If I shoot a lady with a rubberband, she might come after me. What if she lunges at me and I fall off my bike, down a hill, through the Farmer Jenkins's thorn patch, over the river, through the woods, through Grandma's house and into some more tree roots?  Owie!  If all that happens, a rubberband can hold gauze onto my tree root wounds!  Thanks, rubberband!